If I could have background song/track to fit the state of my current life at the moment, it will definitely be any of Matchbox 20's.
'I started out clean but I'm jaded'
Me right now. Sigh.
Anyways, I think I want to come back to the old habit that I used to do back when life was more carefree and fun. Scientifically it is also proven to be very therapeutic. I'm gonna start writing again. Will try to do at least once a week. At least I know I have my own shell where I feel relaxed and stress-free. Where I won't be fearing the judgements, mainly because blogging isn't really a thing nowadays. I know no one reads this blog anymore and maybe its just a pile of dust lying around the internet somewhere.
Currently, I am just overwhelmed at everything that is happening around me. Trying my best to take the positive out of it. Everything is happening at its own pace, fast and slow. Kinda both I guess. And I'm honestly trying to keep up with it. A lot of changes and transition. Rejections. Disappointments. Improvisation. Acclimatisation. Adaptation. Yup, I'm definitely not making any sense at all. I'm kinda lost and at the same time making attempts to process each situation that I'm facing. To my surprise, I'm taking it all in, swallowing..slowly. Going with the flow. Yes I do question on certain things, but in the end I will continue to process, each situation. Each event.
You know that kind of feeling where, you're just lost. You don't really know what you want. You do want something, but obstruction comes along the way. You had a solid plan, but then that's when life actually makes its twist and turn. Hits me really hard sometimes. Heck, I fear of making plans now. I have a fear that it actually won't work out. It will be a twist to something else. Something unexpected. When it does happen, I just have to prep my mental state and hoping that I won't just lose it. It's turning me into the most pessimistic person I could ever predict to be. I used to be the one who would embrace all these funny surprises in life gracefully. Now, I would just go through those things like a void biological machine. Feeling nothing, but physically drained out.
And I feel envious at most times, with everything. Comparing myself to other people, in which would include my own sister,friends, colleagues and relatives. The life they have seemed to be more interesting, more promising. But then again, they chose what to display. We don't really know what is happening in the background. There are a lot of aspects in this life where I feel I've nothing to be proud of. Aside from getting that degree, that is it basically. I have no clue on where my love life is heading. I have no idea how my career is going to progress. Because at the moment, everything is just not at the right place. I don't know if timing is the case here. No one has ever taught me about ttb these aspects according to its own phase. If things aren't suppose to happen now, then why is it happening? If timing isn't right, then why bother chasing after it?
To view this in Islamic perspective, there are a lot of things to elaborate on. I do understand that sometimes we as human tend to forget that Allah plans everything accordingly. He knows what is best and what is not. He wants us to struggle so we can taste the sweetness of sabr and the joy of success. He wants us to indulge in the process more than the result. This is something that I personally discovered about my own self. Whatever that has happened, or will happen, its the process along the way that makes us who we are. How we think. How we perceive ideas, thoughts and emotion. During these times, I am ever so grateful to be a muslim. Being a muslim means to live with a purpose, no matter how lost or broken you would feel. Every muslim on this planet has a purpose to live by. We have our faiths interlocked and tied to every aspect, every element. There is guidance, each to their own.
That is why, despite with all the great turmoil happening that hits us rock bottom, 'iman' saves you from from drowning to deep end. Yes we get into depression, anxiety and stress. But remember our purpose, what Islam expects us muslims to be. Where that purpose is gonna take you. I'm not going to mention what and how, you would have to interpret it your own way, your own subjectivity. Honestly, knowing that purpose itself keeps me going. Penning this down keeps me reminded that I have a path to lead on. Its not straight, its messy and its ugly, for sure. But when reaching towards the end of the path, make that journey soulful. If you feel pain along the way, acknowledge it. Don't abandon it. Its preparing you for something much more bigger. Never look down on hardships. Don't wish for an easy life, but wish for a strong mind, heart and soul.
I am actually composing this post dedicated to myself. I definitely feel more uplifted after giving my own self some advice. Some thoughts to think about. In the end, the one that makes the choice is my self. The one that needs to get some crap done is myself. The one that needs to get her priorities set sailing is none other than Aisyah Munirah herself. If I could slap my own self, I would. Because thinking about all uncertainties in this life had caused me some serious emotional damage. I worry too much on the things that I've no knowledge on besides Allah. Sometimes I would cry to sleep, wiping those tears and indulge in that agonising moment. As for now, no one is available to provide those words of affirmation. Reassuring that things are okay. I'm used to telling all those things to myself. I used to have one, but its not there for now. What power do I have to change that? I have none. I have no control over someone's life. I guess I just have to move forward.
Alhamdulillah, to everything. Good or bad, life gives you a lot of insights and inputs. It matures you in some ways, how you perceive things. It definitely made me to be more forgiving, but still struggling on the understanding part. Because understanding people deals with expectation as well. It goes both ways. So if you can't handle expectations well, clearly you don't understand them. Mind you, I'm self-talking, as always. Please pray that I have the 'mata hati' to see things in a more positive way. I'm just hoping the best version of myself, the one that benefits everyone, inshaAllah.