I never thought that this day would come. I was probably too drowned in the luxury of life. The life that we all know is temporary. I was blinded by attachments and memories. Not knowing that one day, those memories will be forgotten. As time ticks, it has passed by, and you can't relive it. Regrets, don't we all have it? Feeling miserably hurt by someone who used to be apart of you, known you all their life. And one day, you won't be able to see that person again. Those mistakes can never be amended, you can never ask for their forgiveness because it's too late. I never thought that being left behind by someone you can never meet again in this temporary life causes more damage compared to those who are still there. We all have that kind of experience. Be it someone who we used to look up to, someone who was attached to you 24/7, a best friend, or anyone. At least you can still reach them. What are the purpose of social media these days if it weren't for stalking those kind of people right?
I never thought that in a short and unexpected period, I have to endure a huge amount of pain, of being left behind. Being ditched. It hurts so bad. I never thought of feeling this kind of loss, like a huge loss, something that will probably take me years to get over. I've mastered that kind of experience you know? But it's different with this one. Only then, you'll come to realize that death is certain and inevitable. In malay they would call 'hakikat'. Years ago I used to wonder how people could cope with their life on losing the person they love and not being able to see them in flesh ever again. What could distract them. And how long would it take to heal. Now...Allah swt has finally made those wonders a come true for me. And I am not taking this easy.
That is why, I am constantly making du'a to Allah so that He will ease this pain. He will give me all sorts of distractions. It's so hard to live by the truth that you already know. It's hard being a place where a lot of memories were manifested by that person. Flashbacks are totally killing me and I cannot recall a day without me a having an emotional breakdown. In between those moments, I still have a lot of responsibilities lining up to me, all sorts of things that I have to settle simply because I'm in that phase of growing up. If I leave and run away, who knows the consequences will much more severe.
All in all, I don't have anywhere else to express besides praying to Allah and secretly spilling everything here. Writing is currently the therapy even though my grammar sucks and vocabs are all boring. I am loner, actually. Alone from a good company. But it's okay cuz I have Allah swt. No doubt He is the best listener. And would like to thank those who supported me during this period. Those who stayed and those who showed up. My thoughts and prayers for you people.
Once again, I humbly ask everyone who reads this to pray for my inner strength. I need this strength so much because being strong is the only way to beat it. You're not gonna ask for other people to be strong for you right? No. There aren't any options. Please pray that I'll ace tomorrow's last ever degree presentation and that I am able to submit my final year project thesis in time.
Sent them for umrah this morning. Have to cope being without my parents for another 10 days :( pray for their safe journey.