I'll summarize everything in one entry.
Overflowing ride of emotions.
Work. Change. Insecurity. Disappointment. Kafarah.
Internship, precisely. It has been a fruitful 6 weeks of gaining experience in the environmental education division. It turns out that most of the things I did there is like a continous mode from where I left in UM. Being involved in projects, designing a poster and brochure, interacting with the school kids and applying the botany knowledge (one or two..I'm not that good anyways) that I managed to grasp for the past few years. So I have no problem with that. Plus, my colleagues are like the best. They're like the big sisters that I can never had. We talked about a lot of things that are personal and somehow I love the sisterhood bonding. The working hours is flexible. I've never had to work under a lot of pressure and things only get busy when theres programs coming soon. Workplace is surrounded by lush, dense forest of FRIM. Everytime it rains, the place becomes all foggy and misty, even much colder that we had to turn the fans off. So I guess I made the right decision by choosing MNS for my internship. The environment really influences the mood you know.
Its just that I realized something. Everyday I would drive to work. And everyday, the thought of finding money for gas and toll, really kills me. Now before you people start judging on things like 'you can afford to own a car, it's ridiculous that you can't afford what it needs'. Firstly that ain't my car, everytime people ask me that question instantly I would say 'menumpang rezeki orang', because realistically speaking its not mine. I own nothing in this world you know? I don't even have a side income. Good thing is I saved some money for internship because it really kills to ask money from my parents. I would only do it if I'm desperate. Money is the first issue. Next, traffic jams-rude drivers-road bullies. This problem basically reflects back to root of it, which is again the car. Every single day I have to face these kinda of 'elements' on the road and I hate how it turns my good mood OFF. Especially after work. I don't know how my dad withstands this for like, 25 years? And it's only been 6 weeks for me and I'm already complaining much?? SIGH. I think hard. The best solution to this problem is maybe I should consider working from home je la kan. Aisyah Munirah ni memang lopek sangat. I realized that I can never fit to be in the corporate world either. Ever wonder why The Lotus Eater quits his job from city and becomes a recluse at the Bay of Naples, Italy? Now I know. Allah forgive me please...
Simple word, complex meaning. I was told or brainwashed by the society that I should be myself. I should be proud of who I am. What I look like. My personality. Original version of yourself is the best, they say. And yeah, I applied this concept of life to my lifestyle. At a certain point, I was really positive of my own self. I was happy and contented with what God has given to me. Until a few people that I know started questioning on the things that I wear. Basically the key point here is that I should 'change' the way I present myself to the public. This...really upsets me. Like a lot. When they tell this straight to my face, I instantly feel that all this while they wished for another version of me. They couldn't accept me the way I am. Do you think it's easy for everyone to come to a stage where let go of things and do it for the sake of Allah, not to appease the surrounding? All this while, I experimented with the alternatives/options. You know how Islam is so colorful they'll let you explore and make yourself comfortable to those options? As long as it doesn't make you stray away from the Straight Path, accept and apply those options. My sole intention is only for Allah and nothing else. If I did it to please humans, I would not be the person I am today. I wouldn't discover this sweet relationship with Allah that I gained and getting this precious hidayah, the only life saver in this age of never ending fitnah. The struggle is only experienced by yourself and no one else. They don't know the real story and rubbing it into the face does not help either. I changed myself because what Allah has promised to us, that is the Paradise. Who wouldn't want that right? The path to Jannah is never easy, and making those sacrifices for Allah shows that I want to be there for eternity. That is all. If they can't accept that, I have no words for them. Just because other options look more appealing, doesn't mean I should agree to it.
In this age, its all about insecurities. And myself, can't help but feel a high level of insecurity embedded deep in my skin. Not when people come right to my face and say things as they wish. Those things were interpreted as flaws. I know I have flaws, I just don't need further verification. I'm nothing near to being flawless and I come to a point where I can finally accept it. I'm okay with it. Like heck other people are having skin problems or health issues to deal with and you think I should whine about my face? I have a nose to smell, a pair of eyes to see, ears to hear and a tongue for taste buds. Alhamdulillah Allah has decided to shape me this way and I should be thankful.
Now comes to the biggest physical part. I know you can the tell difference of 14 year old and 22 year old Aisyah Munirah. Its obvious isn't it? This is one the hardest aspects of life I have to face. Well its initially my fault for not taking control of things in the first place. Maybe those days I was too proud, too arrogant with myself. Now I'm paying the price. It's the biggest flaw I have. It really 'helps' even more when other people are pointing it out. Stating the obvious. Oh the heartbreak...only Allah knows how I feel. I even start to think that the people who knew me in the past decided to stay away because of what I am today. I know its a very pessimistic thinking, but I had slight feeling that it may be true. Because of that, I avoided a lot people. I was scared of how think of me. I tried to get away from seeing anyone I know, because from an experience I had before, I was unrecognizable. That bad huh...I know. Lets just say it worked? Recently old friends came over for Raya visit and it has been ages since I met them. Like I said, I had low self esteem and staying away was really the best thing. When we talked, they wondered on my whereabouts, do I still live in Rawang? Like I was totally off the radar (quoting from what he said). I gave the explanation..even though deep down I think it is the lamest excuse. I really hope I did the right thing. Because sometimes one man's right might can be another man's wrong...(quote from a film).
I used to think of myself as the master of this feeling. Like I've mentioned before, I let it pass my shoulders. Without paying a slight attention to it. I do feel the disappointment, but I'd tell myself 'You're used to this' or 'No big deal'. I did that. I thought I was strong. Because I never wanted to care about things that waste my time/energy or the non beneficial ones. Focus on what you have and not what you don't have. Appreciate the love around you. But just lately, I don't know. I was turned down many times. For the efforts that I put in. I tried hard..and all I get is just disappointment. Until I reached to the point of getting fed up, I'm just done you know. Its okay. Theres hikmah to this, I'm very sure. Please just make your way and find me once you get the realization. I'm a human, I have feelings too. I'm tired of being pretentious, So this time I'll just let lose.
Everything above, ends up with a disappointment. Do note that I've been holding this for such a long time, I needed to let it out. By writing it down of course. Because I don't think anyone wants to get bored listening to my never ending sad, complicated stories. In the end, when I reflected back I come to sense that all comes in one bundle of kifarahs from Allah. For all the things I did in the past. I've sinned way too much that Allah needs to throw these ordeals so that I become conscious of my own doings. If I feel disappointed now, or then, its because I've done much worse to other people. If I was turned down for my own efforts by the people that I love, I turned down theirs , in the past. Without realizing that I might have made a huge mistake, I hurt them even more. I've said things I shouldn't. I was arrogant and self-centered. I was ignorant. Its all down to my own self. The root to all this heartache is within my OWN SELF. A reaction or repercussion. I know when I'm going through these hardships, other people have bigger things to worry about. It revolves within myself and its up to me, really. I should move on and let go. Even though letting go is the most difficult thing to do, its not impossible.
Alhamdulillah. May Allah forgive me. Still a long way to go for me but I'm up for it. InshaAllah..
'.....Lord I'm doing,
All I can,
To be a better man.....'