عايشه منيرة

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Rawang, Malaysia
A living flesh with a soul made of glass.

Tuesday, May 05, 2015

Growing old, growing Gold.

Currently, it's the 5th of May. Approximately, less than 20 days until Baba's birthday. Birthdays are always pictured as one of those days where you would feel special, everyone surrounding you would say the nicest things, pray for the good things and so forth. Its another year where God decides to keep your heart beating and sane, He lets you to carry on the life as it is. But this time, it feels quite different. Different than other previous years.


Because, he's aging.

The fact that he has been mentioning on his late 40's will finally come, and without realizing, he is aging, he is turning 50 this year. And that moment made me realize too that I took his younger days for granted. During the days where he was energetic, every night he would go and have rounds of badminton with his masjid friends. When he was still strong to walk around and tag along when we go for grocery shopping. When he was still able to go to book fairs, all as family. Slowly...he has stopped doing all that. And me being the eldest, I took over. Sometimes I would have to take my sister to buy books, buy stuffs for her boarding school, buy her clothes, tudung etc. I have to run errands for my mum too since she can't drive too far. I was the one (when I had time) who would fetch him from the airport when he goes outstation. I realized, I was slowly taking over all these adult responsibilities. Because who else would my parents depend on besides me right?

It's more even apparent when my parents start talking about our future. Future is such an understatement. Because future actually means a lot of things coming  a lot of aspects. My dad works hard to buy properties. Recently, he bought a whole unit of condo and a land property somewhere in Kundang. I know he is keeping all that for future sake. When I asked him,

"Why won't you let us work for it?"

"By the time you start having your own career, everything will be expensive and maybe you can't afford it"

Haha. K. Point taken. Because it's true. Today, everyone is struggling. Everyone is working their asses off, just to survive living in this world of capitalism. We are abide to work, to pay tax. If not, we don't have a place to fit, to survive.

Not only that, career plays a role too. I really don't know what to predict for my career prospect. Its either I do something related to what I've been studying all this while or I would deviate to something else. Who knows kan? Rezeki Allah. I don't wanna be so passionate in structuring my future career because I know in the last hour, changes will happen. That's for definite. But I won't leave it just like that. I do have in mind, you know the small plans, the advices I''m getting. I'm still looking around, for answers, for inspiration :) But one thing for sure, I want to make my parents happy. I want to be able to pay them back. Bring them places. The first payslip, that's what I anticipate for, soon. InshaAllah.

If some would notice, the older they get, the more sensitive they become. I approve this message. Like totally. It's not like it's a bad thing. It's a sign that you should brush up on your maturity. Because honestly, it doesn't just come come with age, but with experience too. Maturity deal with a lot of emotions and having to handle in the most sane way you could possible imagine. So as your parents grew older, you have to watch what you say. How you would react. What to get from their expectation. Even if they don't show their true feelings, deep down we would never know. And to this point, I still suck at being the decent daughter. To how other people would perceive me, I think they were fooled. I still suck at prioritizing things. Sometimes it would kill me to say I am busy, with studies and college. Because they had all the time for me, and I still can't do the same. Now that I'm using the Swift, I think they would expect me to be home more? And do I do that? I dont know :(

I can't give more excuses. Not when this is the final sem before I start 'indulging' in the life of final year project student.

I remember how Umi used to cook food and I would always tapau to bring back to college. How Baba had became my all-time saviour when it comes to the Swift (battery, road tax, kena saman -_-). How he gave me his phone for GPS when I drove back home to Rawang for the first time just to make sure I wont get lost. So many things ;(

Sadly, whatever you had means nothing, when your parents are not contented with you.
Redha Allah, Redha Ibu bapa...

I try to follow my parents footsteps. Especially when it comes to them treating Opah. Opah is the only one left for all of us. For him. He grew up without a father figure, while my mum managed to until the last 10 years. He managed to have all the luxury he wants, but he never forgets his mother. No matter how hard it is to take care of her, he still does it. With the help of Umi of course. I think my mum should be awarded, because she does not work, she had to juggle her time in between for my brothers, for masjid and the house itself. I've seen how she suffered, how many times she cried, how exhausted she became because apparently Opah still thinks she's not the best... so takpelah. Its okay ^_^

I pray to myself that one day Allah tak tarik balik hidayah yang dah ada. Moga Allah redha dengan setiap langkahku untuk menjadi anak yang baik. Untuk bertemu semua yang disayangi, di syurga kelak.

"You owe your parents a lot. You never prayed to have them, but they prayed to have you"
- Mufti Ismail Menk

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