When the fragility of the heart is put to a test, sometimes I have to admit that I am the most fragile human being to walk on earth. I may not show it physically, but internally it does make my natural senses of being to be very faulty and dysfunctional. My mind wanders far far away. I get deeply immersed just thinking about it. Over thinking..that's the perfect word for it. It ruins everything basically. You're just pushing the way your mind functions to the extent that you involve all the emotional aspects. That's when you start losing the rationality to the situation. Your mind automatically starts digging back to that hole full of memories and the past, the people who were in it, thinking that you must have done something so sinful that it's suddenly happening again. But then, this time its with different sets of people, different sets of predicament, same heartbreak, same impact. To the self of course. And then you try to run away from it. You try and seek for solace, just to get away from being imprisoned.
That happens, when you fail to control the level of expectation. Sometimes I just don't learn that expectation is actually the root to all heartache. I keep thinking that its okay to just do things and expect it will turn out the way it should be.
Do you know how much it hurts when you expect people to give you happiness all the way without thinking that one day, they might not feel the same about you again. It hurts to know you've tried your best, by all means to just make that someone in your life merry being with you, and then seeing them choosing other people over you. Oh the heartbreak. This doesn't just happen to one person. Every time when someone decided to get attached, to bond that temporary friendship over coffees and cakes, or simply going to Islamic talks together, it does not last that long. Sometimes I just question. Am I that advantageous to some people that only need me at a certain period of life? Again, this doesn't happened once. I've lost count already.
And I'm tired. Too tired to handle this cycle of heartbreak, again and again.
I'm tired to think that every time my sole intention for all the things I did to the people I cherish is for Allah, for the gold rewards, but the pay back I get from them is that I don't exist. Distancing, avoiding and finding excuses. This is the way they 'appreciate' people. And I never hoped for a better appreciation other than a simple, thoughtful 'thank you'. That is all. Instead, they take advantage of what you have, forgetting you. Knowing that you're only useful for a certain period. Its unfair that the intention is just to be a normal, functional human being, to be a better muslim for the ummah and all you get is this kind of treatment. Sometimes I feel like I should stop doing good for people. I should just pass, get on with my life. Because in the end all I get from them is just constant disappointment, even if my intention is for Allah. I've learnt that humans will disappoint you, no matter what. Its just a matter of time.
Next thing now, I shall keep in mind that, the next person I stumble into along the way will be gone, soon before I know. I shall keep in mind that no one stays in your life longer that your own life span. Everyone goes in their separate ways, up to a certain point (death that is). So might as well get used it now.
Sorry for sounding too cynical, but this is what life had taught me. I'll be careful, again. I used to be very protective of my own feelings, never cared about those who I had hurt unintentionally. In silence I caused a lot of damage, only because I decided to shield my self. Then I become so wary of other people's feeling just because I was scared to lose them. I wanted them to be always in my grip. And that was my mistake.
Its okay. This world is just a delusion. Dunya never promised you happiness when you put all your heart to it. Forgetting that the ultimate goal is to achieve Jannah. Jannah is eternal. Why do I always forget that? I'll keep reminding myself that this life will only cause more heartbreaks in the future. The people you love is not everlasting.
They will walk out on you. They will forget you.
Love moderately. Treat everyone equally.
...you'll be happy. At least for a while.