Sorry for the long hiatus. One month full of field trips really taking the toll on me. I haven't had a long, dreamy and good night sleep since then. My days are packed. My energy drains as the day ends. I had to 'curi-curi' the time to sleep. I avoided meeting anyone at the college. Simply because I felt like I'm in a total mess and despair, which the fact is I just wanted to run away from responsibilities from stuffs you know. Because apparently one year of torture from demands, settling the formal affairs and satisfying other people's need while having to put at cost of your own (altruism mode on) was just enough. Full stop.
Anyways, something interesting I want to share...
I just had to share this, because its true. My life is now revolving around a society that is slowly accepting the concept of early marriage and you know all the good things Islam can offer. Some time a month ago, my friend tied the knot with her childhood friend and had her honeymoon the next day. Schoolmate wedded her matric-mate on September and now she's on her first trimester. God is amazing for the blessings He gave. Alhamdulillah and congrats to them.
By the way, they are the peers of same age. Talk about peer pressure.
So it is true, while everyone is busy preparing themselves by going to kursus kahwin and such, more and more of them are serious to end the relationship with lawful marriage. Every corner, every inch, every movement to places I go, humans are basically in pairs. While driving, shopping, taking the garbage out, buying RM10 Maxis top up, you know all sorts of places and activities. While myself here always had become the third wheel, three's a company they say and becoming the ones congratulating. Please don't feel sorry for me because I'm stating the true and undeniable facts......(please dont).
I know it has come to a stage in our lives where these things should be taken into account. Because I feel, the surrounding may become our biggest influence. Our peers, our nosy aunts and uncles all asking the repetitive questions with its repetitive answers. Did I mention my parents? They are even more eager and overwhelmed than I am. I know somewhere that someone is waiting for the bachelor's degree to end. You/he made promises that this relationship will not be mere, a waste and that it must end with a lawful marriage. Someone is watching you from far and always making sure that you're alright, you can't see them but you can feel the presence. That someone is saving money for future usage, already picturing the kind of future they want (I have friends who save 10-30% of their scholar money) and spending wisely for themselves. Since they mean the world to you, they acknowledge about the relationship to your parents. They want blessings from that affair of affectionof yours. They dont want Shaytan to win and instead you are taking the victory over your nafs and lust. After solat, they ask from Allah swt for guidance and strengthness of Iman, mentioning your name after their parents. Asking Allah swt so that ultimately, he/she will be yours. Only and truly yours.
Because that someone, just means the world to you.
Its a different story for me and somehow I am accepting it. My fate may not be the same as others. Maybe I won't experience it at all, during campus life or even during working or even 30 years after. Maybe I don't have anyone watching me from far or praying for me in their solat (aside from my parents of course). Maybe I just don't. And I'm cool with that. Even at times I feel like I dont meet the requirements of today's society or they are just too choosy/picky or either having high expectations/taste on their future spouses. It's their call and so be it. I dont have to change nor transform. In fact, this triggers me to be more of myself, just myself and not pretending to be something I'm not. If they can't accept for what I am, why in the world should I be doing the same thing? It's waste of time, seriously.
But when sometimes the hormones just kick in, it got me to overthinking excessively. Because hey, I'm a Gods creation and I do have a function, that is to just exist. I too wonder sometimes. Because its a mystery that no Sherlock Holmes or Detective Conan. Its mysteriously delirious dont you think?
Who could that person be? Does he like lasagne as much as I do? Is he nice to kids just like I am nice(self puke) to my little brothers? Does he like reading, writing and poetry? Because heck, these things keep me sane on the bars of reality. Does he like Quran and hadith? Because they are the best guidance of life for a muslim, thats for sure! And lastly, music taste. I hope its Coldplay-ArcticMonkeys-Phoenix-Daughter kinda thing. Its definitely my muse (poyo gils).
......Aisyah Munirah you may stop now.
Before someone heads over to that X box above. Theres no use wondering when you already know the fact that, that person may not exist. Its imaginary, maybe. Too imaginary I'd say. So a message/advice for myself, is simply to keep walking. I presume, the road is still long (if Allah takes me earlier then it would be short, who knows right).
Yup. Keep walking ;)