I have to admit sometimes I’d feel envious to those who managed to find their missing puzzles of life earlier without them having to put an effort at all.
I’m really tired. Just tired. At some point I just want to leave everything behind and not giving a single damn about it. Im tired that for the fact that we all eventually have to find and work towards it but I dont see the point. Ya Allah Im just tired.
If I walk away then it would be another story. I tried harder Im scared the outcome would be just the same. So maybe everything in life is fair in accordance to the level of taqwa. I guess I havent even reached at lets say, level 0? So I know why currently the state of my life is stale and stagnant.
Its just that I hate how the surrounding and the society is affecting the way I think, the way I synchronize the elements or puzzles of life and how I would arrange them back together. Because at the end of the day, its always about finding the missing piece of the puzzles and being all contented once that piece fits perfectly.
Then it would be assumed that our life is complete? We’ve reached to that particular climax of movie?
I dont know. Maybe my real problem is that Im not grateful and thankful to what I have now. And what I have not, God knows when is the right moment to roll it out. I believe Allah swt knows and I depend on Him solely. Im not grateful enough with what I have now, then why should He give more? Eventually a slave receives and deprives at the same time.
Maybe in the end, I just wouldnt find that missing puzzle(s). Maybe because I pessimistically believe it from the start and I can predict on whats gonna happen next. Like in the movies, some of them are so cliché that we would know the sequence itself.
Aisyah Munirah is nothing and I will be nothing because I have nothing. Period.
Basically this was written in my tumblr and thought I'd share, (even if its nothing near to being beneficial) and let this piece be the witness of what was bottled up in the heart.
I think it was written last 3 weeks ago...