Yesterday evening, I was in my last class of the week, Titas. Busy getting into fits of laughter by the Encik Wahid, the man surely knows how to keep us awake when the sun is slowly setting down. Then I received a text message from Shyhan.
"Abah dah pergi."
With the background of laughters, the atmosphere suddenly changed. Oh God. It felt devastating. Devastating to know that her dad passed away and she wasn't there during his last moments. At that time I felt like hugging her so much, she was alone in the bus, she must have needed someone to comfort her. Oh the thought of me kills :'( Im sorry I couldnt be there for you when I was supposed to :/
Previously in the morning the four of us had a good laugh. Even though it was hectic, with the experiments, lab test and submitting our lab reports, I was glad that it ended, well not just yet for me since I have another presentation for Hubungan Etnik in the evening. But the feeling was definitely good. I didnt expect the day would turn out like that. InsyaAllah I know Shyhan is a strong girl. Every week she goes back and forth just to see her dad. Like yesterday it was the same routine, maybe the last one I guess.
Losing your source of strength. Unfathomable. I couldn't put myself in her position. I knew I will not be strong, in fact I'd breakdown and heartbroken. Too hard to face, the state of mind would be clueless, not ready to lose my inspiration and strength in short period. The heart is definitely fragile.
Earlier of the year it was arwah Uncle Wahab. He left Auntie Naznin with Kak Nasyrah, Fawwaz, Danish and Ilya. Then it was Uncle Khairul, someone close to my dad whom he has known since we came to BCH. Again, a father of 5, 3 of them are still schooling. His wife took time in realizing that his absence was for eternal. The burden that they had to carry, I still cant imagine if Umi had to encounter a situation like this. Nauzubillah.
Going through these events of life, it made me appreciate my dad more. One day when we were on our way to UM ( it was the day when arwah Uncle Khairul was buried) in the car he said " What would you do if that happened to you? You think you can handle it?". I thought remaining silent was probably the best thing to do. If not, I would just breakdown and tell him it was not necessary to ask me that. I know Im not a good daughter to him sometimes. If I get upset for what he said or did, I'd remain silent and not uttering a single word. He would make it up to me by starting a conversation but sometimes I showed no interest. Jahat kan? And then sometimes I would complain that he never understood me as a girl (it was years ago) but I believe it was too early to judge. I get annoyed at home if he nags about this and that, putting a heavy burden that I have to carry as the eldest, but I know over the years I start to realize that each and every single he did was to shape me as a responsible person. Someone useful, to..well anything. On certain situations I had their trust but Im scared that one day I might ruin it.
Whatever flaws he had, whatever mistakes he did, I know he's not perfect but he's a good father to us. A good role model to me and siblings. I know he's the only man in the world who will not break my heart. The only man I can trust and depend on until the day I die, InsyaAllah. Sorry for all the wrongdoings and sins that I've committed to you. Sorry for not being able to be what you want me to be. Sorry for always disappointing you. Sorry because I cant be an obedient daughter to you. May Allah bless your life and long live through out the years. Dont go and leave us just yet, we still need you. Love you.
17th Birthday, before heading back to Seseri.