Sometimes I feel just glad that I don't have to deal with situations of what other adolescents would go through right now. I used to be those tight situations, but I learnt from it, definitely its not going to be repeated. Life shouldn't be some sort of repetition of past mistakes. That's why everyone learns once they make a terrible choice in life. Because I think that everyday we are confronted with a lot of choices when going through the stages of life, its up to us to make a decision, with or without knowing the consequences. The sad part to this is knowing the impacts would hurt one day. Badly. But no action taken.
Well lets just get straight to the point and be honest. I have been to 3 different institutions within these 4 years and I think I've observed quite enough to make a conclusion of the people I met, blending into the surrounding and so on. Environment, society, challenges. These 3 aspects of life has definitely moulded into what I am today and alhamdulillah I am thankful to Allah for it.
Before getting into boarding school, my perspectives were different. The way I think was different. Lets just say the 15 year old me was focused on (honestly) spending time with friends and family, PMR and..............wanting the person you like to like you back but in the end FAILED, whoever that could be. I don't want to recall the detailed memories because most of them was painful and foolish and having the 'I-cant-believe-I was-that-naive' feeling. OK. So I got into that school, alhamdulillah I was grateful. Opened my eyes and heart to many different things that I overlooked. All these years I lacked of ignorance towards Islam. Leading a simple life like praying 5 times, fasting but I didnt even have the initiative to get know Islam deeper. I now know that 'couple' in Islam is prohibited. Challanges or failures I encountered made me closer to Allah and my parents. I appreciated the essence of patience when I failed a lot. A LOT. Al-Quran was my new friend, the syafaat giver. And I realized, all this while I was damn ignorant. Honestly I feel like crying right now. The only thing I know was (honestly) having that particular person to appreciate my loyalty even when they had hurt my feelings a lot. The stupid and selfish ME. Oh Allah forgive my negligence :"(. I was tested with the person(s) who claimed to realize his/her mistakes but I knew have Allah, I dont need them and this occurrence motivated me to achieve harder for SPM eventhough it was not straight A's. But I was satisfied with my efforts and God has given the best for me. Looking back at the previous times, I was thankful for what Allah has planned, because it was just...... PERFECT.
Then I got accepted to UiTM Puncak Alam. Another new phase of life. I was frustrated at first because I wanted to be in UIA so much. I wanted to be in a more Islamic environment. But guess what, being in Puncak Alam was one the bestest places to be in. Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah once again. In terms of location, its just 30 mins drive away from home, tak adventure la kan :P. But due to the subjects being compressed within one year, I was not home that much. You can definitely trust me on this one. The place itself is lovely, breezy at all times, good food ,comfortable house and crayzee housemates! What more could I ask for. But, for me, whereever I go, the plights wouldnt differ much. You think you tried your best, maybe it needs a little more push. Semester one was a booster because of fortunate and unfortunate events trailing everywhere, so it wasnt that simple. Once again, to be tested for something only shapes you into a stronger person, believe me. Therefore, semester 2, I doubled the struggle, avoided going out, sacrificed my sleep and etc...alhamdulillah. I thought I did my best, Allah showed me, Eventhough the results wasn't that gempak, I knew being grateful was compulsory, for me :). Touching on my level of being a practical muslim, I started changing the way I dressed (a little only to be honest), my social interactions (batas pergaulan) and of course, gaining more knowledge. Getting into Persatuan Rakan Masjid, I was active during sem 1, but somehow my focus for sem 2 is more onto studying so yeah. Lol. I was probably searching for an usrah group or something but not that exposed so getting into PRM was a good start. Previously during the SPM break, again I was involved into a matter of confused feelings for people, my mistake for being naive, oh Aisyah Munirah is always and forever naive. Lets just say Allah didn't like what I was doing so He put an end to it. I was glad. I realized that it was pretentious, and wrongly intended..for something else. Waste of time so I moved on and developed this feeling of I-dont-need-anyone-special-in-my-life-rightnow simply because I know Allah is planning something even better.
Did I learn from that mistake? Of being naive? Of trusting people easily? I did not. I failed..again.
Maybe I felt empty.
Theres this emptiness in our hearts, a blank space to fill. What drives us to fill it? Lets see what this brilliant lady has to say :
"If you want Allah to be persistent in granting the things you love, then be persistent in doing things He loves.'"
Simple right? Its the nafs and shaytan that sometimes get in the way. The jihad is to fight it. I, myself always being caught in difficult situations thats why we're not perfect. At all.
And now. Being in another place. New environment, exposure, of the people and such. I am now aware of the responsibility of DA'WAH. I decided to make a transformation. In terms of my attitude, dressing, thinking and facing the public. It was actually after my parents went for their pilgrimage. It affected me in a very big way until I felt like I wanted to change, for something better. Something that assures a place for me in Jannah. During the break after foundation is when I started to go to Konvensyen Bidadari Dunia and other talks or lectures. Being there, having the opportunity to listen to other people's hijrah, knowledge and such was definitely a sign that Allah wants me to know him more and getting closer. Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for everything. For giving the hidayah to me. The Great Giver of all times. Whatever Im doing right now is for Allah and Islam, and to save my loved ones from hellfire. Im still in a learning process, repairing and improving myself, although sometimes I can get a lil bit edgy, but our Iman is rechargeable right. We have so many choices in keeping our Iman safe.
On the note, things in the past sometimes just crawls back in. Its a place I wouldnt want to visit, according to Maria Elena, but Allah is just testing us. And thats why recently, I felt heartbroken. No matter how strong I made myself to forgive and forget, it just comes back. A part of me blamed myself for repeating the same mistake. Sigh. I wish I never get myself associated with these feelings. Its actually my fault. Not him/her. Reflect and recheck is what I should do instead of finding faults of other people.
I finally or partially dealt with my ego and skepticism on the most difficult feeling of affection..to one of His creation. For the sake of Allah. Solat hajat dan doa yang tidak terhenti. Berharap agar Dia memberi petunjuk dan kekuatan hati. If its not fated and no action nor signs, send me somewhere far far away from this captivity. Allah will heal this feeling. InsyaAllah. Allah will heal this feeling.
I hope you're doing fine. I hope you're reading this.