Just at this moment, I feel like nothing is being absorbed in my brain, time-wasted on comprehending things I should already master and everything seemed useless. Just the useless me wasting and wasting time. Like before, I controlled my inner-self, trying not to give up on given questions and finding solutions.
Only Allah knows how I was feeling that time because I think the devil was all around me. Negative thoughts popping up, and I felt really guilty :/ until at one time, my mother called.
We talked about test 2 and final exam, and how she will try her best to fast for me on those days.
Another thing was, she adviced me that if I was feeling really depressed, couldn't get things straight or just clueless, I should let her know.
Ya Allah, with His great might, I let out everything that I kept for so long, the heavy burden deeply buried in my head, all the necessary things that Umi should know.
I couldn't hold my tears and was thankful that for the first time, I felt really blessed that Umi was concerned about me. Not that she wasn't concerned before, but its a pleasure talking to her and she was continously giving me all the motivations I needed.
I told them that I was scared in disappointing both of them, if becoming a doctor wasn't a dream come true for them. It really hurts. Not being able to make them proud and happy when quitting is a never. I never had the intention to take up that course because I know my capabilities well. When it comes to their wish, I couldnt make up my mind. But umi said, if Allah planned it that way, He is preparing better things on my path of life and I should never have doubted Him.
Khilaf ya Allah :( I seek forgiveness from you :(
Thank you Umi. This means a lot. Love you so much!