عايشه منيرة

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Rawang, Malaysia
A living flesh with a soul made of glass.

Friday, July 01, 2011

Absolute Audible

Salam and pleasant greeting.

While facebook is being such an ass, lets spill things shall we. It has definitely been a ride for the past few weeks. And I tried to find a snippet of time to actually brag about the things Ive encountered here. Not that extravagant, but oh well just filling up the empty spaces.

To be frank, I have discovered the other side of me lately. Not actually discovered, but my old plus bad plus crappy habits are just back? I see myself as quite a different person. Maybe no one acutally notices this, but I can just feel it. I did things that I didnt do for a long time, it may be good or bad. But lets stress on the bad part shall we. I think its hard for me to put this in words :/ but Im trying. When the 'bad' word is used (soo out of vocab here), I dont actually mean extremely bad that can actually make you think Ive changed to someone you can never expect me to be. Its just a teeny tiny bit of a matter that I find it to be quite serious.

I have this kind mindset that everyday when I start making paces towards any place, it would be a jihad for me. Why jihad? This is what jihad means based on dictionary.com (bad source I know) :

'any vigorous, emotional crusade for an idea or principle.'

Emotional? -_- hmm I agree partially on that because your emotions are truly tested right? Okay back to the main point, jihad is quite universal. There are many types of jihad you can experience. For some pessimists, jihad always refers to war, terrorist, throwing bombs at a fancy hotel, setting a hostage and all sorts of things you can think of. Maybe partly jihad does refer to them. But for instance, fighting with your own might to actually resist eating pizza after having a bowl of mushroom soup? Okay what a bad example, just remembered that I ate pizza last week -__-, trying to stay awake when those bubbles of ZZZ can be seen from far while you're in a lecturer hall? For me, thats a jihad too. What about getting lost on your first day when your DK is located at the end of the world and when you finally arrive, you're all sweaty and fatigue and in the end you fell asleep. Haha, I AM NOT talking about myself, its merely an example, who knows it might happen to other people out there? Okay more mature examples please -__-, hmm this is quite common for a guy, maybe its hard for them to avoid seeing things they shouldnt, because some things are just exposed? With or without purpose, I dont know, but oh well you get me.

Its hard to be good, not when you're in a place where all sorts of people can be found. Its hard to resist things being offered directly. When you feel that you've done something virtuous, the public will think the other way round or misinterpret it, or some maybe. Thats what I feel sometimes. Why? Because, we/I judge people easily. Thats just possibly the nature of a human being. Based on their clothes, the way they talk to poeple, their own little cliques.

I was offered a choice, that kinda secured my future and there were people encouraging me to fulfill it. But I felt so hesitant. I felt lost, and unsure of what I am supposed to do next because it involves sacrificing. In the end, I made a decision not to further with the option, whatever it is, I am happy with what I have now. In my terms, thats what I refer jihad to. I remember those wise words Umi gave me the other day, food for thought you see. Im holding onto it, until now. So that I wont strain away from Allah's guide. Keep my Iman, securing it there in that little space, making sure that its not going down, but gradually and slowly increasing, insyaAllah.

Put an effort in being the ideal muslim, I am still building it inside me. I know being perfect is quite impossible, but hey, at least I tried right?

Sorry for the long post and the crappy blabberings. I just need to blurt this out.

Safe journey for your life peeps :)