Anyone who has known me personally, they would know that I am an emotional entity that creeps into their monotonous lives and ruin it for until God knows when. It's quite amusing to discover this side of me as soon as I realised that I've entered the adulthood phase. I mean, I know I am sensitive in some ways. Sometimes I managed to disclose it, sometimes its there and its just so apparent. Its hard to tell. Even I would stress out wondering why is it so difficult of me to let go? Why do I overthink too much? Why is there a need for me to respond to those things and why am I so easily triggered?
No one has the answers to those questions. Besides, my own self. I was told by a colleague of mine, that over the years of working there, I have transformed into a different person. I have changed. Another colleague of mine said that I look troubled all the time. I guess its just natural trait in me to express how I feel and not being able to hide it. I was taken aback at first when those comments was thrown at me. It took me a while to reflect. And in that thought process, being the defensive person I am, I tried to make up excuses. I thought of ways to justify to actions and feelings. I was defensive of my own feelings and somehow I wanted people to understand that its okay to feel troubled at times. Its perfectly fine to feel the negativity absorbing in, and to indulge in the moment.
The inspiration behind this blogpost, or what got me triggered was when I saw this TEDx video from Facebook about 'false positivity'. Those two words are just so powerful to me. I mean we all have have this idea of how positivity works more than negativity. We all find ways to defeat the inner demons inside us without really addressing the thing that is demonising us. We tell lies, we tell ourselves that things will get better and then we continue sobbing under those pillows and cry away, without really acknowledging the pain.
Hence, let me quote:
'When we push aside the normal/natural emotions and embrace the false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop the skills to deal with the world'While giving all this pep talk to myself, I know this method is just destructive to some people and it does not work for them. You can motivate them, send them quotes about embracing your flaws here and there, but that negativity will just continue to consume them. If you want people to understand that you are an adult who apparently just feels too much, they have a choice to not to. Or you know what, its not even a choice for them, its just something they aren't able to relate. They do not have the empathy that you expected them to have. Its easy sympathising people, but to feel the empathy, it takes a lot of work. You can go years and be an emotional train wreck, and they still would not get a clue on how you feel. Thats where the mutual understanding lies, and not all are gifted with that.
Until this day, I have yet to find an individual who understands the complexity of the layers I am made of. I have warned them in the first place, I'm a handful. What you see is not actually what you're gonna get. Along the way, it has cost me to losing those who I intend to spend the rest of my life with. Yes, I am the factor. I bailed out because I didn't want to terrorise their lives. I wanted to believe that the only exit to the mess was me surrendering and retreat. And I definitely believe that, no other entity in this universe can handle the complexity of a human being known as Aisyah Munirah rather than the Maker itself. With that, I no longer want to pursue in seeking another individual to jump into my lifeboat. Because in the end, I will be one drowning the boat, killing myself and the other. In the end, no other human being can be patient with my antics, and when a question like,
'Is Aisyah Munirah worth the fight? Is she worth all the time and energy?'
I know I can only find the answer in the hesitation.
You're welcome to prove me wrong, but honestly I don't want to make your life a living hell.
With my two feet, I am going to love myself fully and not expecting other people to do that. Because you can't. You just can't :)