Its funny..how life is at the moment. The moment I'm struck down, to the ground, is the moment where I am in dire need of writing. Of pouring things out. Emptying the syllables of this heart and soul, and placing it where it should be.
I love the fact that I have an outlet to express things, where I can just write endlessly without having to think about what other people on the other end feels. It's not any of my concern.
Alhamdulillah. I was tested again, by Allah swt. Nothing else I could say besides exhibiting my gratitude towards Him. I am glad that He is overlooking me from far, He sees that I have strayed too far from Him, and that He just need me to come back, in my purest state. A state of a slave who has sinned too much. He accepts me in this form, and never have I questioned my fate. Because a believer is tested to see if he could be patient from the adversity. A believer is tested to see if he can be grateful with Allah has decreed upon them.
Just this week, my tear duct became so worn out. Yes. I cried my heart out. I am so hurt that the only way to cure to temporary pain is to release it by the saltwater that resides in this body. I found myself in absolute pain that only the one that gives this pain knows. I hope not to succumb to this feeling too much or too long. And referring back to what Allah has promised His believers, 'with every hardship, there is ease..' is absolutely true. With every pain that I've felt, I know its temporary. And its amazing how Allah has comforted me so much, that I felt so much better. After letting these tears pouring out, its amazing that Allah has sent me beautiful souls along the way. Just to make this a little less burdening. All I can say is..I'm grateful.
The key to all this is having gratitude. And realising that nothing else can surpass the feeling between believer and His Lord. No matter how life hits me rock bottom, I know I have Allah. When you're sad, have faith that Allah does not give you that feeling for a naught. Its never without a reason. Allah wants to teach His believers to have high tawakkul and dependency on Him, and not on His creation. When I have Allah, nothing else matters. Nothing. I have Allah, and that is basically everything that I need. Not even a human or other entity can fill those gaps, those emptiness.
That is what I've learnt, for the past two weeks. That is to high tawakkul on Allah. To have a high reliance on the one that deserves it. I have tried on my end, I tried so hard to make things work. And I feel the energy I've poured goes to waste. I'm not valued for what I am, and sometimes I tried too hard to please His creation. I've poured and poured, and I feel like..I have nothing else to give. Until I feel void. Empty.
I know it happens because I didn't set my expectations well. I still have a problem with that. I'm too attached. I am attached to this dunya and too engrossed with its content. While its been said that, this dunya was designed to break your heart. Its not meant to make you happy. Its not meant to make you feel contented. If that is what you seek, then you will forever will be disappointed. The worldly elements that everyone possesses are meant to become the medium to reach to akhirah. This dunya is a tool. A tool reach to the highest spiritual level. Use whatever you can.
Thank you for saving me from the darkness. Thank you for being the ultimate inspiration. The definite purpose of this life. Thank you for pulling me out of the unconsciousness. Thank you for becoming the only 'HOPE' that never disappoints me.
I look forward to meeting you in Jannah. I hope I come prepared, heavily with good deeds.
Some me time, alone.
15th October 2017, 7:19 pm @ Wondermilk
(The day where my best friend graduates and I am happy)