عايشه منيرة

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Rawang, Malaysia
A living flesh with a soul made of glass.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Love this self

Anyone who has known me personally, they would know that I am an emotional entity that creeps into their monotonous lives and ruin it for until God knows when. It's quite amusing to discover this side of me as soon as I realised that I've entered the adulthood phase. I mean, I know I am sensitive in some ways. Sometimes I managed to disclose it, sometimes its there and its just so apparent. Its hard to tell. Even I would stress out wondering why is it so difficult of me to let go? Why do I overthink too much? Why is there a need for me to respond to those things and why am I so easily triggered?

No one has the answers to those questions. Besides, my own self. I was told by a colleague of mine, that over the years of working there, I have transformed into a different person. I have changed. Another colleague of mine said that I look troubled all the time. I guess its just natural trait in me to express how I feel and not being able to hide it. I was taken aback at first when those comments was thrown at me. It took me a while to reflect. And in that thought process, being the defensive person I am, I tried to make up excuses. I thought of ways to justify to actions and feelings. I was defensive of my own feelings and somehow I wanted people to understand that its okay to feel troubled at times. Its perfectly fine to feel the negativity absorbing in, and to indulge in the moment.

The inspiration behind this blogpost, or what got me triggered was when I saw this TEDx video from Facebook about 'false positivity'. Those two words are just so powerful to me. I mean we all have have this idea of how positivity works more than negativity. We all find ways to defeat the inner demons inside us without really addressing the thing that is demonising us. We tell lies, we tell ourselves that things will get better and then we continue sobbing under those pillows and cry away, without really acknowledging the pain.

Hence, let me quote:
'When we push aside the normal/natural emotions and embrace the false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop the skills to deal with the world'
While giving all this pep talk to myself, I know this method is just destructive to some people and it does not work for them. You can motivate them, send them quotes about embracing your flaws here and there, but that negativity will just continue to consume them. If you want people to understand that you are an adult who apparently just feels too much, they have a choice to not to. Or you know what, its not even a choice for them, its just something they aren't able to relate. They do not have the empathy that you expected them to have. Its easy sympathising people, but to feel the empathy, it takes a lot of work. You can go years and be an emotional train wreck, and they still would not get a clue on how you feel. Thats where the mutual understanding lies, and not all are gifted with that.

Until this day, I have yet to find an individual who understands the complexity of the layers I am made of. I have warned them in the first place, I'm a handful. What you see is not actually what you're gonna get. Along the way, it has cost me to losing those who I intend to spend the rest of my life with. Yes, I am the factor. I bailed out because I didn't want to terrorise their lives. I wanted to believe that the only exit to the mess was me surrendering and retreat. And I definitely believe that, no other entity in this universe can handle the complexity of a human being known as Aisyah Munirah rather than the Maker itself. With that, I no longer want to pursue in seeking another individual to jump into my lifeboat. Because in the end, I will be one drowning the boat, killing myself and the other. In the end, no other human being can be patient with my antics, and when a question like,

'Is Aisyah Munirah worth the fight? Is she worth all the time and energy?'

I know I can only find the answer in the hesitation. 

You're welcome to prove me wrong, but honestly I don't want to make your life a living hell. 

With my two feet, I am going to love myself fully and not expecting other people to do that. Because you can't. You just can't :)

Sunday, April 08, 2018

Term 2 Hols : Langkawi & Perlis Edition

Its been a while dearest blogger! So just an update from the previous post about my new year's resolution. It has impacted me more than I expected and I'm very positive with the outcome. Its just that now, I'm pausing the diet workout thing for a month as March was very hectic for me and I didn't have time to prep my meals, and the fact that it rains everyday in the evening somehow made me to divert even more..lol

InshaAllah will resume to this healthy regime once Term 3 starts..in about 48 hours. I had the whole week off from school and the typical Aisyah Munirah who likes to splurge money on traveling and visiting exquisite places. Only this time, it was planned last minute. Tickets, accomodation was booked all few days before I went for this so called backpacking trip. In the end, I didnt really use the big backpacks, the bimboness in me was unleashed when I resort to using the normal luggage where you can surf the wheels recklessly...okay I'm not making any sense.

So where did I go?

Langkawi & Perlis!

Like I said, I had a hectic month, more like a hectic term. And I just can't wait to go somewhere far away from a place that reminded me of work and all the things that had happened recently. It was a tough period to be in and I thought I couldn't make it. And this trip was the only thing that I look forward to. And honestly while I was there, I had a stress-free mind and I was focusing on enjoying the moment with my friend there. So I spent 3 days at the island and less than 10 hours at Perlis. At Perlis, I got to meet a colleague of mine from work. So pictures will do the talking...

Oh yeah. They say when leaving from Langkawi, it is obligated upon every visitor to buy chocolates (which is deemed to be cheaper from the peninsular) and because it was tax free too. So I bought the chocs for the sake of buying it and constantly reminding myself that I have this diet thing going on soon so please sedar diri Aisyah Munirah!

1st day: Arrived at Langkawi via MAS flight. Straight to Langkapuri Inn, Pantai Chenang for one night. Just behind our stay was the Chenang beach.

Le partner for this trip : life advisor aka Syusyi

Awat muka lagu tu? haha

2nd day. The best highlight of this trip was we get to spend 6 hours of sightseeing around Mangrove and small islands around the area. We went to Bat Cave, Fossil Island, Eagle Feeding, Tanjung Rhu beach, Fish Farm, Monkey Feeding. It didnt feel like it was 6 hours tbh. We also had lunch at the fish farm, which was inclusive in the package. We paid RM90 for the whole tour, and DeBaron Holidays was the service provider.

3rd day : Island Hopping at Tasik Dayang Bunting or Pregnant Maiden Lake. Its unique to see a freshwater lake existing in between the sea ecosystem. Theres so many legends/myth relating to this lake. Google it up to know more details lol.

And after the island hopping was done, we checked out from our second accomodation which was Chenang Inn. Stayed one night. We head straight to the jetty and Kuala Perlis is the next destination.

Syifa brought us here for early dinner once we arrived at Kuala Perlis. We had Mee Rebus, Ais Kepal Milo, Mee Sup..this place is located in the middle of a palm plantation. The owner of this place is obviously creative.

Syifa, in the middle hehe.

I swear Perlis is beautiful..wish I could stay longer.

Syifa punya kebun. Harum Manis yalls.

Overall it was a short trip. Myself and Kak Syuhada planned this last minute and I'm glad it worked out. I could say that it was more like a self reward and I deserved this holiday for myself. I felt connected to the nature again, after some time. I get to sleep under the tree at the beach while listening to waves splashing here and there. I savoured the moment slowly..hoping that it didnt pass by too fast. I miss viewing the calm sea. The sea is always calm, and the view just gives me this peaceful feeling. For a second, all the worldly matters that I have been dealing recently with just kinda vanished. I got my peaceful moment. I didnt mind spending more, as long as I get the freedom that I want. Even just for a few days. And now, I just can't wait to plan for my next getaway location.

Thank you Allah, for everything. I love you!

Saturday, February 03, 2018


When the good vibe just kicks in, I'm ready to spill everything. I've a lot to rant entailing from the previous weeks. And something related to one of my new years resolution. I know this is such a cliche thing to declare, but yes one of my new years resolution is to start eating healthy and aim for a health lifestyle.

You may laugh now. But please, don't do it in my face. Lol.

Say all you want, but hey I am making a progress. Big big progress Which is why I feel its vital that I document it here and let the whole world know. Because good things are meant to be shared, no? So I decided to make a 360 degree change in the way I eat and started doing physical activities, that basically involves sweating. To be frank, I can't really recall the last time I felt my body was all drenched in sweat doing vigorous activities. During my uni years, I managed to be involved in different physical activities ranging from hiking, jungle trekking, quick jog, cycling, walking to and fro from classes...plus I had lots of fieldtrips during those years. And most of those fieldwork involves working under the sun, taking samples and observing the surrounding. But I wouldn't regret doing all those things, in fact its those memories that make me wanna appreciate my time as a student.

So going back to the topic, I changed my food intake. I did a looootttt of googling. I followed healthy food recipes on Instagram. Followed people who encouraged a healthy lifestyle. I have to admit, it gives a big influence on myself and I seriously think influence and surrounding helps in maintaining this effort. I started googling easy recipes and every single night coming home from work, I would cook and do my meal preps. Get it ready during the night, and the next morning just grab it from the fridge and reheat in the microwave. So I made a list of meals that I would usually eat during the day.


1. Overnight oats.
I used low fat milk, honey, chia seeds and oats! Stuff it all together in a glass jar or you know those tupperware for your coffee or tea, with the lid of course. Mix it all together and leave it overnight.

2. Fruit smoothie

I managed to make strawberries and mango smoothies. Just cut them in small pieces, freeze it if you can. Then add any types of milk that you prefer. In my case, I used almond milk that is unsweetened (sugar from the fruit will be enough) and sometimes to increase the quantity I would add more low fat milk. Honestly, it tasted really nice and will last at least 2-3 hours.

3. Energy bars.

It wont be enough to go as your primary source for breakfast, but I bought 2-3 packs from Village Grocer as a back-up incase I get hungry while waiting for lunch. And yep, it does wonders! Current brand is Yoogoo, or however you spell it lol. Before I bought it, I'd check the calorie and nutritional contents. So another tip is to always look for the nutritional contents and its percentage. The lower the calorie, its more easy for you to burn em off. 


1. Sandwiches. 

I think sandwiches can really go well as food that is balanced. I made chicken and fish sandwich. I grilled the marinated chicken fillets (salt, pepper, paprika and garlic powder) and for fish fillets I bought the ones in Aeon and baked in over. So no deep frying happening here. Even for the chicken, I didnt use any oil, besides sesame oil cuz I'm a sucker for sesame oil haha. 

Since I'm not a vege person, I stick to one type and I mostly use lettuce (green coral) as the source of fibre in my sandwich. I would add cheese slices as the source of fat. And for bread,(for carbs) I had a choice of wholemeal ones and sometimes I would also use the white english muffin, just cuz I crave for the ones in Burger King breakfast deals haha. Another source of protein, would be 1-2 whole eggs that are microwaved. All ingredients are prepared separately and by the time I eat it, slowly I would reheat and assemble it to look like a proper sandwich haha. It takes a looooot of effort and time. And surprising I've been doing that for the past two weeks. So hurray for me!

2. Spaghetti

I used spaghetti mostly for now, no attempt on penne or macaroni or fettuccine just yet. Because its easier to prepare. And this time, I discovered a simple recipe for the sauce, which is pesto. The main base for pesto is basil, and lord the smell is so strong I almost gave up before even attempting to do it haha. I would never ever eat basil on its own, just because of the smell. Same goes for cilantro. I just cannot stand the smell being too strong...I wont even attempt to eat it.

So to make the pesto sauce, get 1 cup of basil leaves, 2 cloves of garlic, olive oil, parmesan and pine nuts. I didnt add the pine nuts because it was freaking expensive (20.00++ for one small container, heck no!) Just blend everything in, keep it in a small container and you can use it for other types of dishes as well (I used it as a sauce for my sandwich). 

I steamed broccoli because apparently I was able to swallow them and eat it without coercing myself to do so -_-, and grilled my marinate chicken fillets as a source of protein. From there, that is how I constructed my own menu to make it balanced. I think that is the key. Eat whatever you like, in small quantities of course but make sure it has all the nutrients that your body needs.

Btw, this is what a pesto spaghetti looks like. Its so green...until today I could never imagine how I could eat something so green like this, and for the fact that it tasted quite nice!

As for now, this was the menu that I repeatedly prepare every single night. Mind you, I would come home from my 30 mins jog, plus the traffic jam to reach home and then straight to the kitchen. I would usually arrive home around maghrib time, I would be very occupied in the kitchen until 9pm ish. Imagine how productive my day is?  How I am expected to be very tired? And I still find trouble sleeping early.... 0_o

Lastly, for dinner. 

Sometimes if I make my meal preps in large portion, I would just finish my food before I leave from work to go home. Sometimes, I would prepare extra from my meal preps so that I can eat if after. But I try to make sure that dinner must be done not later than 9pm. So in case I feel hungry, I would just gobble up my detox water (will include this as well!) before I sleep. Sometimes I would eat food that is just merepek, not to say that I cheat but I never had a proper dinner planned. Because I try not to eat later than 9pm, and even if I still feel hungry, I'd snack on fruits or nuts or just drink lots of water.

The extras..

1. Detox water. I have been seeing articles about how its not even effective and how it doesnt contribute to your diet or what not. But somehow I needed a beverage that could replace my cravings for sugary drinks such as Tealive, TEH AIS!!!!! (I MISS IT BADLY.....!!!) and sweetened 3 in 1 coffee. Its so hard to fight the urge of indulging in these treats! Since its so easy to get them..I used to find myself drinking Original Milk Tea from Tealive like twice a week. Bloody'ell I was so addicted lol. 

My idea of detox water is just freshly squeezed lemons (2-3), some mint (sometimes I do put mint leaves), chia seeds and water. That is all. Put that all together is one container and leave it in the fridge.

Easy peasy.

2. Snacking on nuts. In Aeon, you can buy them in assortments. I would usually buy one container of almonds, cashew and walnuts. Eat them whenever I feel like munching on something. Instead of eating the sugary biscuits, I've replaced them with nuts. Surprisingly they're nice as well. Almonds, especially are very known for its fat burning properties, so its a must to eat almonds during your diet.

3. Green tea! I used to hate drinking green tea and always had to force it down the throat. But now, I've been drinking it on a regular basis, so I'm quite used to the bitter taste. I don't fancy any types of green tea with added sugar or dairy because it would taste a bit more weird...haha. I stick to Ahmad Green Tea and a local muslim owned brand called Az Zain. Ahmad has strong taste compared to Az Zain, but I'm fine with both for now.

Image result for ahmad green tea

4. Plain water. Can't stress enough on how important it is to drink water. I make it as a habit to at least drink 1.5 to 2 litres everyday. I drink two rounds of 750ml bottle everyday at work (refilling the water bottle twice) and continue with the detox water at home. So a rough estimate of 2 litres in total per day. It is recommended to drink 3 litres, but with the tight schedule  I'm only able to reach until 2 litres for now. I would find myself going to the loo frequently...so beware that you're gonna go in and out of the toilets!

5. No rice. I know rice is a staple food for us Malaysians.  I stayed away from rice for almost about a month now, and my body actually feels lighter. It made such a huge different on how I feel and how quickly I replaced my carb intake with bread or spaghetti. I just can't include rice in my diet, because I tend to add more portion, one after another and this is such a facepalm moment. Lol. So I kinda miss my nasi lemak or nasi ayam or nasi kukus or nasi manggey. I really really do. But for now, I just cant waste all those efforts. I've gone this far, and I will keep on going inshaAllah.

6. If you're tight on time to make meal preps, just puasa la. When you fast, you kind lose weight in the process. Make sure what you eat at the end of the day is something balanced and not too heavy as well. I tried fasting, and it helps in reducing my weight. So I'll be glad to continue next week.

7. Last but not least, a quick 30 mins jog after work. I would do it at least twice a week, maximum 3km, in about 30 mins. I am dead slow when it comes to pace. But I dislike the idea of going to the gym or any cardio workouts. I hate the reps and sets, and how tiring it is. So I chose running/jog more as I can suit the time and pace according to my own performance...(which is always slow...haha dont care). 

I play badminton as well with my colleagues. At least once a week. Since we have our own court and rackets, we would just play for fun and sometimes do scoring as well. Ala main-main bodoh gitu. Haha. I would be soooo fresh and rejuvenated when I get to sweat a lot. So playing badminton makes me sweat and I love it!

Alhamdulillah over a month, managed to lose a total of 5kg!

I shall keep going, until I reach my ideal weight. And bare in mind, no extra products or supplements taken. I realised that with the only exercise and controlling food intake method can be very slow and the results are not fast. But I'm okay with that. I don't look at the instant results, but it's more to the personal journey of it. Its something that I wanna maintain even when I reach a half century. It's better that I start now before my health becomes compromised. To those who supported me throughout this whole month, may Allah bless you eternally!

Pray for me guys!<3 p="">

Saturday, December 23, 2017

A Start of Something New

As a teacher who works in an international school, I anticipated for this day to come. Holidays guys! What else lol. Alhamdulillah all of us had successfully completed the first term. I'd say it was a good one. A goood one. Lots of changes. New faces, new facilities, new SOP, new systems and new expectations. Was told all of this before hand, so it wasn't a shocker for me to face all these new things happening around the school. Adjusted to it and alhamdulillah slowly digesting all the bits and pieces. Even for my department, we had to establish a new format that is still in the process of trial and error. As planning takes a lot of time, imagine the execution. And bare in mind that we also had to think about the student's well being and capacity to fulfil all of the new format. It was a struggle for them at first as I took weeks to explain to them the format, but alhamdulillah our event last weekend showed the otherwise. They kinda surprised us all and yes, I can never underestimate my students. Even on last minute work, somehow they managed to pull of something really great and everyone was extremely impressed. So for making all things happen for this especially, all credit goes to them.

So lets just say I ended this term on a good note. Work has been an amazing journey so far but deep down I know this is not what I plan to do on a long term basis. I keep forgetting that I have something to achieve for myself as I see all these things I'm involved with at school as something that involves a collaborative effort. Which is crucial when you're a part of team that is accountable for the student's character development. I've seen some positive changes from my students and I am happy to see that the change is influencing other people too. This job, requires me to reflect on my own character every single day. In a way I am sharing what I know with them, but indirectly with their unique and indifferent personalities, I am learning too from them.

For the past few days, I had deep thoughts circling in my head. I was thinking about what's gonna happen next year? I will be 25 in 6 months and I feel like I haven't achieved anything just yet. I don't feel this vessel of mine is pushing itself to the limits and having to postpone the desire of channeling my one true passion in life. Its not there yet. Allah says not this time, which is why I would console myself saying that the ummah needs your help and it needs your time and energy. Which also led me to stay and fulfil my current duties and responsibilities.

This is also the part where you would see people making progress in their lives. A friend is trying to get his thesis writing done. Another friend just got engaged. Another friend is about to deliver her baby soon. Another friend just bought his first house. Progress and more progress. One step closer to another. Often I would feel envious of their achievements, while other times I would again console this self repeatedly by reminding that sustenance or 'rezeki' works in many many ways. Allah had it all mapped out for each individual even before we were born. I will be there..just not now. Allah wants me to do something else :-) Amazing isnt it. I would just look around myself (literally) and observe all the things that I have and the privileges that I'm getting. More than enough for now..Alhamdulillah.

Social Theme Event 'Child Exploitation'..last weekend. :-) *loved the deco!

I hope 2018 will be a start of something new. Its about time I think for myself..serious business. 25 is like the age where I feel like I need to prove that I'm worthy of something. Its just a thought that I had few days and I need to make it a reality. Anything that gets in the way, I would have to eliminate it. Circles are going to be smaller..people will disappear..and I'm ready to face all that. I've had ups and downs dealing with people surrounding me and how everything is mostly temporary. Its probably the qualities that I have that doesn't make them appeal to stay. I'm fine with that. Its time I teach myself to be more independent, and having less expectation, less dependency on anyone basically. If reaching towards my goal means I have to be in this journey alone, then I have live up to it. And besides, I have Allah, even from day one He has never left my side. After a series of events happening lately, my reliance on Allah surpassed everything else in this world. Its an incredible feeling..indescribable. If only I can visualise this feeling, I would. 

I shall blurt more on having to go through depression few weeks back, and miraculously how I managed to get myself back on track. With every single thing that had happened, how it affected my work, my thinking capacity..and you know all sorts of things. It was one of the most darkest periods of my life and I had to go through it alone. But thats fine because again through this episode of my life, I gained high reliance on Allah. Tawakkal and Imaan was like the last string for me. If I were to lose all that during this period, honestly I wouldnt be able to pen all these thoughts down now. I saw how powerful negativity was and I was at wits ends. InshaAllah some other time..

Till then.

'Allah is the ally of those who believe. He brings them out from darknesses into the light. And those who disbelieve - their allies are Taghut. They take them out of the light into darknesses. Those are the companions of the Fire; they will abide eternally therein.' - Al Baqarah verse 257

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Of late.

Its funny..how life is at the moment. The moment I'm struck down, to the ground, is the moment where I am in dire need of writing. Of pouring things out. Emptying the syllables of this heart and soul, and placing it where it should be.

On words.

I love the fact that I have an outlet to express things, where I can just write endlessly without having to think about what other people on the other end feels. It's not any of my concern.

Alhamdulillah. I was tested again, by Allah swt. Nothing else I could say besides exhibiting my gratitude towards Him. I am glad that He is overlooking me from far, He sees that I have strayed too far from Him, and that He just need me to come back, in my purest state. A state of a slave who has sinned too much. He accepts me in this form, and never have I questioned my fate. Because a believer is tested to see if he could be patient from the adversity. A believer is tested to see if he can be grateful with Allah has decreed upon them.

Just this week, my tear duct became so worn out. Yes. I cried my heart out. I am so hurt that the only way to cure to temporary pain is to release it by the saltwater that resides in this body. I found myself in absolute pain that only the one that gives this pain knows. I hope not to succumb to this feeling too much or too long. And referring back to what Allah has promised His believers, 'with every hardship, there is ease..' is absolutely true. With every pain that I've felt, I know its temporary. And its amazing how Allah has comforted me so much, that I felt so much better. After letting these tears pouring out, its amazing that Allah has sent me beautiful souls along the way. Just to make this a little less burdening. All I can say is..I'm grateful.

The key to all this is having gratitude. And realising that nothing else can surpass the feeling between believer and His Lord. No matter how life hits me rock bottom, I know I have Allah. When you're sad, have faith that Allah does not give you that feeling for a naught. Its never without a reason. Allah wants to teach His believers to have high tawakkul and dependency on Him, and not on His creation. When I have Allah, nothing else matters. Nothing. I have Allah, and that is basically everything that I need. Not even a human or other entity can fill those gaps, those emptiness.

That is what I've learnt, for the past two weeks. That is to high tawakkul on Allah. To have a high reliance on the one that deserves it. I have tried on my end, I tried so hard to make things work. And I feel the energy I've poured goes to waste. I'm not valued for what I am, and sometimes I tried too hard to please His creation. I've poured and poured, and I feel like..I have nothing else to give. Until I feel void. Empty.

I know it happens because I didn't set my expectations well. I still have a problem with that. I'm too attached. I am attached to this dunya and too engrossed with its content. While its been said that, this dunya was designed to break your heart. Its not meant to make you happy. Its not meant to make you feel contented. If that is what you seek, then you will forever will be disappointed. The worldly elements that everyone possesses are meant to become the medium to reach to akhirah. This dunya is a tool. A tool reach to the highest spiritual level. Use whatever you can.

Dear Allah,

Thank you for saving me from the darkness. Thank you for being the ultimate inspiration. The definite purpose of this life. Thank you for pulling me out of the unconsciousness. Thank you for becoming the only 'HOPE' that never disappoints me. 

I look forward to meeting you in Jannah. I hope I come prepared, heavily with good deeds.



'Being a feeler, it's hard to not get affected by what other people do to you, but it's harder to pretend that you're okay with everything they've done.

We are living in a world where successes such as Job's, Musk's, Gates' and Zuckerberg's are outlined as summits of a true definition of victory, when in fact all the world truly needs is those who could truly feel.

Those who could feel deep enough to sacrifice their lives for the people who won't even acknowledge them. Those who would scale up mountains and swim through oceans to bring back the glory of those who have fallen without even asking anything in return. Those who would give their all to help others when they are the ones who needed help the most.

The world needs the hearts and compassion of Muhammad PBUH, and all those that resemble him. The world needs hearts of steel that holds strong and unshaken values, capable enough to move others to their core.

Don't be apologetic that you feel more than others do. Sympathise those that don't understand you. Because deep down inside, they don't know what it feels like to have souls of diamonds.

#thereflectingbegedil #isupportyou 

P.S.: To everyone that I cherish, to all that I call friends, thank you for being the warm and beautiful souls that the world has always needed. May God guide you all the way.' - Syaza Shamsul Bahari

Some me time, alone. 
15th October 2017, 7:19 pm @ Wondermilk
(The day where my best friend graduates and I am happy)

Friday, August 25, 2017

Tables turned

If I could have background song/track to fit the state of my current life at the moment, it will definitely be any of Matchbox 20's.

'I started out clean but I'm jaded'

Me right now. Sigh.

Anyways, I think I want to come back to the old habit that I used to do back when life was more carefree and fun. Scientifically it is also proven to be very therapeutic. I'm gonna start writing again. Will try to do at least once a week. At least I know I have my own shell where I feel relaxed and stress-free. Where I won't be fearing the judgements, mainly because blogging isn't really a thing nowadays. I know no one reads this blog anymore and maybe its just a pile of dust lying around the internet somewhere.

Currently, I am just overwhelmed at everything that is happening around me. Trying my best to take the positive out of it. Everything is happening at its own pace, fast and slow. Kinda both I guess. And I'm honestly trying to keep up with it. A lot of changes and transition. Rejections. Disappointments. Improvisation. Acclimatisation. Adaptation. Yup, I'm definitely not making any sense at all. I'm kinda lost and at the same time making attempts to process each situation that I'm facing. To my surprise, I'm taking it all in, swallowing..slowly. Going with the flow. Yes I do question on certain things, but in the end I will continue to process, each situation. Each event.

You know that kind of feeling where, you're just lost. You don't really know what you want. You do want something, but obstruction comes along the way. You had a solid plan, but then that's when life actually makes its twist and turn. Hits me really hard sometimes. Heck, I fear of making plans now. I have a fear that it actually won't work out. It will be a twist to something else. Something unexpected. When it does happen, I just have to prep my mental state and hoping that I won't just lose it. It's turning me into the most pessimistic person I could ever predict to be. I used to be the one who would embrace all these funny surprises in life gracefully. Now, I would just go through those things like a void biological machine. Feeling nothing, but physically drained out.

And I feel envious at most times, with everything. Comparing myself to other people, in which would include my own sister,friends, colleagues and relatives.  The life they have seemed to be more interesting, more promising. But then again, they chose what to display. We don't really know what is happening in the background. There are a lot of aspects in this life where I feel I've nothing to be proud of. Aside from getting that degree, that is it basically. I have no clue on where my love life is heading. I have no idea how my career is going to progress. Because at the moment, everything is just not at the right place. I don't know if timing is the case here. No one has ever taught me about ttb these aspects according to its own phase. If things aren't suppose to happen now, then why is it happening? If timing isn't right, then why bother chasing after it?

To view this in Islamic perspective, there are a lot of things to elaborate on. I do understand that sometimes we as human tend to forget that Allah plans everything accordingly. He knows what is best and what is not. He wants us to struggle so we can taste the sweetness of sabr and the joy of success. He wants us to indulge in the process more than the result. This is something that I personally discovered about my own self. Whatever that has happened, or will happen, its the process along the way that makes us who we are. How we think. How we perceive ideas, thoughts and emotion. During these times, I am ever so grateful to be a muslim. Being a muslim means to live with a purpose, no matter how lost or broken you would feel. Every muslim on this planet has a purpose to live by. We have our faiths interlocked and tied to every aspect, every element. There is guidance, each to their own.

That is why, despite with all the great turmoil happening that hits us rock bottom, 'iman' saves you from from drowning to deep end.  Yes we get into depression, anxiety and stress. But remember our purpose, what Islam expects us muslims to be. Where that purpose is gonna take you. I'm not going to mention what and how, you would have to interpret it your own way, your own subjectivity.  Honestly, knowing that purpose itself keeps me going. Penning this down keeps me reminded that I have a path to lead on. Its not straight, its messy and its ugly, for sure. But when reaching towards the end of the path, make that journey soulful. If you feel pain along the way, acknowledge it. Don't abandon it. Its preparing you for something much more bigger. Never look down on hardships. Don't wish for an easy life, but wish for a strong mind, heart and soul.

I am actually composing this post dedicated to myself. I definitely feel more uplifted after giving my own self some advice. Some thoughts to think about. In the end, the one that makes the choice is my self. The one that needs to get some crap done is myself. The one that needs to get her priorities set sailing is none other than Aisyah Munirah herself. If I could slap my own self, I would. Because thinking about all uncertainties in this life had caused me some serious emotional damage. I worry too much on the things that I've no knowledge on besides Allah. Sometimes I would cry to sleep, wiping those tears and indulge in that agonising moment. As for now, no one is available to provide those words of affirmation. Reassuring that things are okay. I'm used to telling all those things to myself. I used to have one, but its not there for now. What power do I have to change that? I have none. I have no control over someone's life. I guess I just have to move forward.

Alhamdulillah, to everything. Good or bad, life gives you a lot of insights and inputs. It matures you in some ways, how you perceive things. It definitely made me to be more forgiving, but still struggling on the understanding part. Because understanding people deals with expectation as well. It goes both ways. So if you can't handle expectations well, clearly you don't understand them. Mind you, I'm self-talking, as always. Please pray that I have the 'mata hati' to see things in a more positive way. I'm just hoping the best version of myself, the one that benefits everyone, inshaAllah.

Forever pensive.

Monday, August 21, 2017

The sound of glass shattering

That one dream.
Shattered, just like that.
When dreams are merely just the reflection of the cruel reality.
No matter how hard you worked towards actualising that dream and to only face disappointment as the outcome.
And knowing that you have no one to turn to, to grief. You are alone. You have to face this burden alone. You have to be strong, alone. No one is going to tell you to be strong. The burden is on your shoulder. You know people out there are just steps away from reaching their goals and you have nothing. Your life is just a pile of mess. You are forced to do things not out of willingness.

It's so hard to put everything into words. But this is currently what I feel. I feel like I've achieved nothing. I wanted to do pursue that one dream so bad, and I know at the moment its just a pile of dust. Useless. It has been playing repeatedly in my head every day, and tried so hard to distract myself away from thinking about it. Voices in my head saying I could have done better. Regrets written all over my forehead. What do I have to chase on the material things in this world? Why is everything so demanding? Why am I just shocked? I know the old me could have handled these thoughts better. The old me would have paid no attention to it. The old me, was stone cold. The old me, would rise on two feet and face it. Rain or storm, I know I could do it. Now, all I can recall is forcing my self to be positive, and putting on that stuck-up face every single day.

I am just weak, emotional old crap. I definitely don't deserve anyone's love or attention at this moment. They don't need all this crap from me seriously. I deserve to be alone...sigh.

But I have Allah. Allah gives me hope.
Allah is the reason why I get back up. Allah makes me look forward to His love and mercy.
For Allah, I must be willing to sacrifice my dream.
For Allah, I must let go of the things that I love, so much.
For Allah, I must be positive.
For Allah, I must have sabr.
For Allah, I must be sane and rational.

For Allah, and only Allah. I know, He is building me as a stronger person. He is teaching me the virtues of sabr. He is telling me that good things in life are not always good for me. He is telling me to have gratitude of the things I have. He is saving me for something better, something I can never imagine. If there people out there who has lost faith and touch in me, given up on me, I know Allah will never leave my side. I have faith that Allah never leaves my prayers unanswered. I know Allah has sent me beautiful souls in this world to just remind me of His existence. I pray that Allah continue to bestow His love, mercy and blessings upon them.