عايشه منيرة

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Rawang, Malaysia
A living flesh with a soul made of glass.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Of late.



Its funny..how life is at the moment. The moment I'm struck down, to the ground, is the moment where I am in dire need of writing. Of pouring things out. Emptying the syllables of this heart and soul, and placing it where it should be.

On words.

I love the fact that I have an outlet to express things, where I can just write endlessly without having to think about what other people on the other end feels. It's not any of my concern.

Alhamdulillah. I was tested again, by Allah swt. Nothing else I could say besides exhibiting my gratitude towards Him. I am glad that He is overlooking me from far, He sees that I have strayed too far from Him, and that He just need me to come back, in my purest state. A state of a slave who has sinned too much. He accepts me in this form, and never have I questioned my fate. Because a believer is tested to see if he could be patient from the adversity. A believer is tested to see if he can be grateful with Allah has decreed upon them.

Just this week, my tear duct became so worn out. Yes. I cried my heart out. I am so hurt that the only way to cure to temporary pain is to release it by the saltwater that resides in this body. I found myself in absolute pain that only the one that gives this pain knows. I hope not to succumb to this feeling too much or too long. And referring back to what Allah has promised His believers, 'with every hardship, there is ease..' is absolutely true. With every pain that I've felt, I know its temporary. And its amazing how Allah has comforted me so much, that I felt so much better. After letting these tears pouring out, its amazing that Allah has sent me beautiful souls along the way. Just to make this a little less burdening. All I can say is..I'm grateful.

The key to all this is having gratitude. And realising that nothing else can surpass the feeling between believer and His Lord. No matter how life hits me rock bottom, I know I have Allah. When you're sad, have faith that Allah does not give you that feeling for a naught. Its never without a reason. Allah wants to teach His believers to have high tawakkul and dependency on Him, and not on His creation. When I have Allah, nothing else matters. Nothing. I have Allah, and that is basically everything that I need. Not even a human or other entity can fill those gaps, those emptiness.

That is what I've learnt, for the past two weeks. That is to high tawakkul on Allah. To have a high reliance on the one that deserves it. I have tried on my end, I tried so hard to make things work. And I feel the energy I've poured goes to waste. I'm not valued for what I am, and sometimes I tried too hard to please His creation. I've poured and poured, and I feel like..I have nothing else to give. Until I feel void. Empty.

I know it happens because I didn't set my expectations well. I still have a problem with that. I'm too attached. I am attached to this dunya and too engrossed with its content. While its been said that, this dunya was designed to break your heart. Its not meant to make you happy. Its not meant to make you feel contented. If that is what you seek, then you will forever will be disappointed. The worldly elements that everyone possesses are meant to become the medium to reach to akhirah. This dunya is a tool. A tool reach to the highest spiritual level. Use whatever you can.

Dear Allah,

Thank you for saving me from the darkness. Thank you for being the ultimate inspiration. The definite purpose of this life. Thank you for pulling me out of the unconsciousness. Thank you for becoming the only 'HOPE' that never disappoints me. 

I look forward to meeting you in Jannah. I hope I come prepared, heavily with good deeds.

Ameen.

***

'Being a feeler, it's hard to not get affected by what other people do to you, but it's harder to pretend that you're okay with everything they've done.

We are living in a world where successes such as Job's, Musk's, Gates' and Zuckerberg's are outlined as summits of a true definition of victory, when in fact all the world truly needs is those who could truly feel.

Those who could feel deep enough to sacrifice their lives for the people who won't even acknowledge them. Those who would scale up mountains and swim through oceans to bring back the glory of those who have fallen without even asking anything in return. Those who would give their all to help others when they are the ones who needed help the most.

The world needs the hearts and compassion of Muhammad PBUH, and all those that resemble him. The world needs hearts of steel that holds strong and unshaken values, capable enough to move others to their core.

Don't be apologetic that you feel more than others do. Sympathise those that don't understand you. Because deep down inside, they don't know what it feels like to have souls of diamonds.

#thereflectingbegedil #isupportyou 


P.S.: To everyone that I cherish, to all that I call friends, thank you for being the warm and beautiful souls that the world has always needed. May God guide you all the way.' - Syaza Shamsul Bahari




Some me time, alone. 
15th October 2017, 7:19 pm @ Wondermilk
(The day where my best friend graduates and I am happy)

Friday, August 25, 2017

Tables turned


If I could have background song/track to fit the state of my current life at the moment, it will definitely be any of Matchbox 20's.




'I started out clean but I'm jaded'

Me right now. Sigh.


Anyways, I think I want to come back to the old habit that I used to do back when life was more carefree and fun. Scientifically it is also proven to be very therapeutic. I'm gonna start writing again. Will try to do at least once a week. At least I know I have my own shell where I feel relaxed and stress-free. Where I won't be fearing the judgements, mainly because blogging isn't really a thing nowadays. I know no one reads this blog anymore and maybe its just a pile of dust lying around the internet somewhere.


Currently, I am just overwhelmed at everything that is happening around me. Trying my best to take the positive out of it. Everything is happening at its own pace, fast and slow. Kinda both I guess. And I'm honestly trying to keep up with it. A lot of changes and transition. Rejections. Disappointments. Improvisation. Acclimatisation. Adaptation. Yup, I'm definitely not making any sense at all. I'm kinda lost and at the same time making attempts to process each situation that I'm facing. To my surprise, I'm taking it all in, swallowing..slowly. Going with the flow. Yes I do question on certain things, but in the end I will continue to process, each situation. Each event.


You know that kind of feeling where, you're just lost. You don't really know what you want. You do want something, but obstruction comes along the way. You had a solid plan, but then that's when life actually makes its twist and turn. Hits me really hard sometimes. Heck, I fear of making plans now. I have a fear that it actually won't work out. It will be a twist to something else. Something unexpected. When it does happen, I just have to prep my mental state and hoping that I won't just lose it. It's turning me into the most pessimistic person I could ever predict to be. I used to be the one who would embrace all these funny surprises in life gracefully. Now, I would just go through those things like a void biological machine. Feeling nothing, but physically drained out.

And I feel envious at most times, with everything. Comparing myself to other people, in which would include my own sister,friends, colleagues and relatives.  The life they have seemed to be more interesting, more promising. But then again, they chose what to display. We don't really know what is happening in the background. There are a lot of aspects in this life where I feel I've nothing to be proud of. Aside from getting that degree, that is it basically. I have no clue on where my love life is heading. I have no idea how my career is going to progress. Because at the moment, everything is just not at the right place. I don't know if timing is the case here. No one has ever taught me about ttb these aspects according to its own phase. If things aren't suppose to happen now, then why is it happening? If timing isn't right, then why bother chasing after it?

To view this in Islamic perspective, there are a lot of things to elaborate on. I do understand that sometimes we as human tend to forget that Allah plans everything accordingly. He knows what is best and what is not. He wants us to struggle so we can taste the sweetness of sabr and the joy of success. He wants us to indulge in the process more than the result. This is something that I personally discovered about my own self. Whatever that has happened, or will happen, its the process along the way that makes us who we are. How we think. How we perceive ideas, thoughts and emotion. During these times, I am ever so grateful to be a muslim. Being a muslim means to live with a purpose, no matter how lost or broken you would feel. Every muslim on this planet has a purpose to live by. We have our faiths interlocked and tied to every aspect, every element. There is guidance, each to their own.

That is why, despite with all the great turmoil happening that hits us rock bottom, 'iman' saves you from from drowning to deep end.  Yes we get into depression, anxiety and stress. But remember our purpose, what Islam expects us muslims to be. Where that purpose is gonna take you. I'm not going to mention what and how, you would have to interpret it your own way, your own subjectivity.  Honestly, knowing that purpose itself keeps me going. Penning this down keeps me reminded that I have a path to lead on. Its not straight, its messy and its ugly, for sure. But when reaching towards the end of the path, make that journey soulful. If you feel pain along the way, acknowledge it. Don't abandon it. Its preparing you for something much more bigger. Never look down on hardships. Don't wish for an easy life, but wish for a strong mind, heart and soul.


I am actually composing this post dedicated to myself. I definitely feel more uplifted after giving my own self some advice. Some thoughts to think about. In the end, the one that makes the choice is my self. The one that needs to get some crap done is myself. The one that needs to get her priorities set sailing is none other than Aisyah Munirah herself. If I could slap my own self, I would. Because thinking about all uncertainties in this life had caused me some serious emotional damage. I worry too much on the things that I've no knowledge on besides Allah. Sometimes I would cry to sleep, wiping those tears and indulge in that agonising moment. As for now, no one is available to provide those words of affirmation. Reassuring that things are okay. I'm used to telling all those things to myself. I used to have one, but its not there for now. What power do I have to change that? I have none. I have no control over someone's life. I guess I just have to move forward.

Alhamdulillah, to everything. Good or bad, life gives you a lot of insights and inputs. It matures you in some ways, how you perceive things. It definitely made me to be more forgiving, but still struggling on the understanding part. Because understanding people deals with expectation as well. It goes both ways. So if you can't handle expectations well, clearly you don't understand them. Mind you, I'm self-talking, as always. Please pray that I have the 'mata hati' to see things in a more positive way. I'm just hoping the best version of myself, the one that benefits everyone, inshaAllah.



Forever pensive.

Monday, August 21, 2017

The sound of glass shattering





That one dream.
Shattered, just like that.
When dreams are merely just the reflection of the cruel reality.
No matter how hard you worked towards actualising that dream and to only face disappointment as the outcome.
And knowing that you have no one to turn to, to grief. You are alone. You have to face this burden alone. You have to be strong, alone. No one is going to tell you to be strong. The burden is on your shoulder. You know people out there are just steps away from reaching their goals and you have nothing. Your life is just a pile of mess. You are forced to do things not out of willingness.

It's so hard to put everything into words. But this is currently what I feel. I feel like I've achieved nothing. I wanted to do pursue that one dream so bad, and I know at the moment its just a pile of dust. Useless. It has been playing repeatedly in my head every day, and tried so hard to distract myself away from thinking about it. Voices in my head saying I could have done better. Regrets written all over my forehead. What do I have to chase on the material things in this world? Why is everything so demanding? Why am I just shocked? I know the old me could have handled these thoughts better. The old me would have paid no attention to it. The old me, was stone cold. The old me, would rise on two feet and face it. Rain or storm, I know I could do it. Now, all I can recall is forcing my self to be positive, and putting on that stuck-up face every single day.

I am just weak, emotional old crap. I definitely don't deserve anyone's love or attention at this moment. They don't need all this crap from me seriously. I deserve to be alone...sigh.


But I have Allah. Allah gives me hope.
Allah is the reason why I get back up. Allah makes me look forward to His love and mercy.
For Allah, I must be willing to sacrifice my dream.
For Allah, I must let go of the things that I love, so much.
For Allah, I must be positive.
For Allah, I must have sabr.
For Allah, I must be sane and rational.

For Allah, and only Allah. I know, He is building me as a stronger person. He is teaching me the virtues of sabr. He is telling me that good things in life are not always good for me. He is telling me to have gratitude of the things I have. He is saving me for something better, something I can never imagine. If there people out there who has lost faith and touch in me, given up on me, I know Allah will never leave my side. I have faith that Allah never leaves my prayers unanswered. I know Allah has sent me beautiful souls in this world to just remind me of His existence. I pray that Allah continue to bestow His love, mercy and blessings upon them.

Ameen..



InshaAllah..


Thursday, July 13, 2017

Balik Kampung Cheetham: Manchester



After a good night rest, packed everything, ate breakfast and checked out for our early shopping trip. Firstly we went to Asda. Its basically the 'Aeon' for us back then. Everything was darn cheap, from the clothing to the food. It feels weird buying things and then multiplying it by 6, just to compare the Malaysian value haha.








Back then, we hated going to this place. This is my parents playground..lol



So at Boundary Mills, I looked for a jacket because the weather didn't feel like summer, as stated on the weather forecast. Not when its 11 or 13 degrees outside. Umi, my sister and I managed to score some really cool ones with a fairly good price. I decided not to spend so much before coming here because I know its much cheaper and more choice to choose from.
And then it's time to say goodbye to Burnley, we're off to Kampung Cheetham :)



Coming back here, memories started to flood my mind. Cheetham Hill is not that big, but not that small either. Its basically the Asian hub of Manchester. Easy to find halal food. So buying groceries wasn't that hard. I remember having Malaysia lauk everyday cooked by my mum because the ingredients are more or less the same like Pakistani or Indian's food. 

So the first place that we decided to visit was our house, 48 Faraday Avenue and 4 Holst Avenue. These houses holds the most memories of me growing up here as a child. Those times when I played outside when it's summer, those times when it snowed (picture below), those times when we had to walk to school and Aisyah Haziqah came and knocking on our door. Bittersweet..and yes I enjoyed every bit of em and never have I felt a sense of regret. I never complained because obviously I wouldn't get to re-live anywhere else.


Me and my sister, 2007



Us, now 2017 at 48 Faraday Avenue

As you can see, our house was very small and compact. Door open, take 2-3 steps and then it's the road already. But then again, we never complained about our house either. At that stage of life, it was comfortable enough to fit the 5 of us. All the basic needs of a decent house was there. We even had a room to ourselves. Small kitchen but my mum spent most of her time cooking and feeding us in the morning (and packing the best lunch ever) after we got back from school hungrily. The living room and dining room was also adequate for the 5 us, we could fit a TV. My little sister could play all her toys and we had guests coming over. It was enough for everything.







4 Holst Avenue.

So this is the house that we stayed before coming back to Malaysia in 2005. Dec 2003 until some time in 2005. I was around 10-11 years, puberty didn't hit me just yet haha. But still, a lot of memories here too. I spent the summer playing outside a lot. We had bikes, scooters and rollers blades that were bought cheap from car boot sales. Became good friends with the neighbour next door too. Both Pakistanis :)


Just a few hours after we arrived in the UK :)


Before heading to school.

Just a few pictures of us back then, before and after. Well physically it's quite obvious right? haha
And then we just strolled around the neighbourhood. Nothing much has changed to be honest.





This was the kedai runcit for us. Cash and carry. Lol. The uncle is still working there but the butcher was no where to found. Dulu my sisters would always tease me with the butcher guy because he likes to mimic to what I say and I find him very annoying lol



1.99 pound milk. 


Time for lunch! Donner kebab is our main target. Tak ada donner kebab I am just gonna cry in the corner haha. The shop that we used to buy either for delivery or takeaway does not have a place to eat, so we had to eat at this takeaway called Faisal's. It was okay for me, still tasted the same as well. Donner kebab means achievement unlocked!




I'm drooling now mashaAllah.....

And then we hit the road back again. Next destination: Marlborough Primary School and North Manchester General Hospital, where Saufi was born :)



The red building behind, is the school's main building. Opposite of the building on the left side is our playground for play time. We had a chat with one of the staff and surprisingly the uniform is still the same as well!


My mum used to pick us up but not from the main entrance as shown above. Somewhere around the back entrance where she had to fetch Nurul first from Nursery. And yes, nothing much has changed here, even after 10 years! We were tempted to go inside the building but it didn't feel nice just to storm in the school even though we were alumnus lol

Then...


with Devon


That blue tudung ruled me those days. I would go on for days because I was really obsessed with the color haha



Saufi's birthplace. Umi started recalling her fond memories of delivering my not so little brother. The treatments, medical care and midwife was amazing and satisfactory. Midwives even came to check on Saufi when he was around 2-3 weeks old. I must say their healthcare is top notch too.



Poor Saufi, he didn't remember much of those days. Well duh, he was just a baby back then. He was born on the 15th February 2005, and it was snowing heavily that time. We called him the snow baby :P


Me being the kak long, of course la dapat pegang my newborn baby brother kan hehe


There's more for the next destination. But I will hold this recent trip closely dear to my heart. Coming back here, it was a therapy actually. A reminder, I used have the blissful life that I didn't pray for but Allah decided to choose all of us to be here. I was happy growing up and negativity didn't take me in that much. Islamophobia? None. Nada. Zero. Everyone was pretty much tolerating with the differences we all had, and we respected those differences. Obviously the way to distinguish our differences was based on what we wear, our language or what we eat, things that are tied to the culture. But still, no hate. That's why coming back here, I had that 1% of feeling slightly nervous about my presence there. Being a muslim in this era puts all of us at stake. Everywhere we go, whatever we decided to I always had this precaution to be mindful and this isn't my country and I shouldn't just do or say whatever I like. Back then, the most threatening question that I used to get was,

"What's that on your head?"
And I answered them thoroughly. All the bits that they need to know about my religion and why I had to do it. I even asked my dad if I were to be asked about my head scarf, what are things that I should say. Sometimes people are just curious, and it's not wrong for them to ask, to be educated. Even though the buildings, the landmarks and the roads seemed to look the same, the mentality and how people perceive definitely has changed. 10 years was probably enough to change the public's mindset on the differences that we all had, and we all know it's the media that does all the hard work right?

Anyways this is one long post. An emotional one, allow me to indulge in this moment please? lol...haha. So I'll continue more on the next destination as it's getting quite late. InshaAllah.





Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Balik kampung Cheetham




So remember when I said about having our Eid slightly different this year? Its because we get to go back to our kampung from 2002-2007! Well its Saufi's kampung to be honest since he was born there, but this trip was a good 'walk' down the memory lane.

We had planned this since last year, knowing that Eid holidays will be longer for everyone and for the bonus I'm currently having my school holiday break for one month. So there isnt a need to apply for leave. Just on the 1st of Syawal itself, we packed everything ready since the day before and our flight was past midnight on the 26th June, 2:55 am. Baba couldn't pick a better time for all of us right -_-. Alhamdulillah the 14 hour journey was smooth, leaving us knackered as we arrive London Heathrow Airport, around noon. We rented an MPV for 4 days, and our destination is of course to Manchester!

On the way to Manchester, everyone was hungry and cranky. So we stopped at Beaconsfield Services to have our lunch. When we saw 'Greggs' signage, everyone started to squeal! (by everyone means me and my sister lol). After 10 years, we only get to eat Greggs 'Cheese and Onion' and it tasted absolutely the sameeee!





(proof that I'm jakun)



After that, we're headed to Holiday Inn, Burnley. The reason why Baba booked the hotel there is because it's near to Boundary Mills. Yes..the first thing to do upon arrival in the UK is none other than shopping *inserts rolling eyes emoji* but the rooms were amazing. I stayed with my two younger brothers and we had a good sleep after that. After checking in, again we were hungry (not surprsing) and googled for the nearest halal food takeaway. Thank God in the small corner of Burnley there is this Bangladeshi takeaway, the ONLY asian takeaway store that you can find there and their food was seriously top notch. I was not in the mood for rice like others (they ordered lamb biryani) but definitely yes for kebab. The kebab was really nice, the naan was so gebu and the meat was really tangy in my mouth. So now you'd know why I had a good sleep after that haha.


When I see these small and quaint houses, was even more excited to see my old house back in Cheetham Hill :)



Recommended to stay. Free wifi and breakfast was a good one.



InshaAllah will continue for Day 2 tomorrow. Bye!