عايشه منيرة

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Rawang, Malaysia
A living flesh with a soul made of glass.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Fast forward

Hello guys. I am back, finally after 3 months of being hiatus. Its so hard to just sit for an hour to do some blogging. Instead its hours of composing emails to school, parents, updating this and that and constantly going online on Telegram, just to keep updated for work. Life is currently demanding, overwhelming and moving very fast. Approaching May soon, the most busiest month for school. Back to back events on weekends, and only God knows how I will turn out by the end of May. You'd probably see me as a carcass beside the road because I'd be dead by then hahahaha okay that's so exaggerating. Currently its the 29th April, and on Monday it will be a public holiday. So it will be a very long weekend for everyone. Sadly didn't get to make any plans because it was told last minute and its very hard to make early arrangements without knowing the confirmation of our holidays. You see, we have this love and hate relationship with public holidays..but I'd rather keep it shut for now haha so lets not dwell into that.

So many things have been happening.Ups and downs, beating around the normality. Getting up everyday in the morning to face the never ending responsibilities. Its all very demanding and tiring. Physically, and mentally. Lets not forget the personal side of life too. MashaAllah..how do I put it into words. I don't think I can. I think I won't speak about it. Let's keep it that way for now, inshaAllah.

All I know is, I'm going through a bad phase of self development. I mean, its really ironic that I am the person who is accountable for every child's character development in school, but looking at my current state right now, I am far fetched to even become a role model for them. Imagine living in that irony everyday and making up to the loopholes that I've created. Its a struggle that I have to deal everyday, thinking ya Allah there is a reason why I was sent here. But the amazing thing is that, I get endless opportunities to make things right. I am surrounded why souls who constantly remind me of God. To be God conscious always. The feeling, subhanallah is just amazing. Its amazing to feel connected back to Allah, once you have been strayed so far. There comes a time where I look forward to feel Allah's mercy and love, because I know it goes beyond everything. No other creation can surpass His love and mercy. Alhamdulillah, I am forever grateful to know that He wont let me go far because in the end I would come back looking for Him.

Sometimes I forget that all the worries and grief are only temporary.
Sometimes I forget that whatever happens, be it a calamity or not, He has decreed upon it.

Few weeks ago, I attended a gathering by Sister Ayesha Syahira and quoting to what she said, when something bad happens to you, do know that Allah has arranged it. He knows that it is the best for us. And Yasmin Mogahed said the same thing. For every situation that we have dealt with, good or bad, it all depends on how you see the aftermath. 'Bad things does not happen to good people'. And mashaAllah it definitely changed my views on all the miseries in life that I have encountered. What have I gain from it? Did it elevate me to become stronger? For every situation that Allah has put you through, you are supposed to gain something from it. And inshaAllah its never for a nought. Never.

I pray to Allah that He eases everything..everything that is chasing after me, and all the things that I am unsure of. If its for the best, please make me content ya Allah. If its not good for me or them, please remove myself so that they can get the life that they deserve. If this is test for us to bear, to see if we depend on your existence, then make us strong willed ya Allah.

Say ameen guys.

Sunday, January 01, 2017


It's almost midnight, just less an hour we bid farewell to 2016. Its been months since this personal space of mine was updated. I am far behind, I guess.

Few years back, around this time I would be locked up in room digesting the never ending slides/lecture notes. Studying for the upcoming exam papers. New year is just like, meh. Nothing special or new. Even if its a public holiday, the guilt of not trying hard enough to finish all the chapters for each subject kills you until you are finally done. This flashback makes me miss the student life back then. Its just so different now. I didn't expect the post-undergraduate life would be this difficult. For every decision you make, becomes a chain reaction of what's gonna happen next. It affects other people too, with or without their acknowledgement.

It needs a lot of hard work, a lot of trying. That's how I dealt the situation. I can't give up. Recalling back those hard times, it hit me rock bottom but I didn't just stop there. I kept on going. This time, it shouldn't be any different. I'm miles away from reaching my dream, but somehow Allah is telling me that I should be at the spot where I am now. Its never for a naught. If this is the time where I can invest a lot for my akhirah, inshaAllah I am up for the challenge. Allah is making me stronger, day by day. I'm quite amazed at myself for sticking through those crappy times. It affected me so bad, that people would come up to me and expressed their concerns on my physical appearance and how my face doesn't even look like a face. I personally think that it deserves to be punched. Sigh

Despite having all of this never ending doubts running in my head, I have to look what's around me. I have to be thankful that I am employed. I have to be grateful that my colleagues trust my abilities to do this and that. Even if its far fetched from what I've been studying for degree, I believe that someday the skills I obtained will be useful and applicable. Allah is providing me the channel to do good, to contribute for the ummah and He granted my du'a/wish to work with these people. My passion for biological science will never fade and I will still pursue my dreams, even if it comes a long way.

So 2016 is an interesting year for me.
I get to do some travelling, went to interviews, submitted resumes and faced multiple rejections, met new people and bonded with those whom I can call sisters, met my ex-HOD who had taught me a lot on the useful life skills and still remaining in touch with her, had my UM convocation and my dear parents was there to witness it, moved on from someone who never had the slightest idea that I existed in his life.

I came across a quote that sounded something like this, 

'When Allah takes someone that you love away from you, He will replace it with someone even better that you yourself cant even imagine'

I guess this is happening to me right now. And I am ever so thankful to Allah :)

Nothing much I could ask or hope for, but for all the good things to happen. Never stop praying to the One that will grant it. May Allah guide me always.

Lillahi ta'ala :)

اِنَّ صَلاَتِي وَنُسُكِي وَمَحْيَايَ وَمَمَاتِي ِﷲِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ
Indeed my prayer, my sacrifice, my life and my death are for Allaah, Lord of the worlds.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Good Day

Less than 7 days, we will celebrating Eid. Alhamdulillah, the fasting month has gone by so swiftly. I think going to work really helps in waiting for the time to pass. The students had their school holidays earlier in May, but the teachers still have 3 weeks before going for a 1 month Eid holiday. So coming to work when the kids are no longer in school, is so so relaxing. The working hours is also flexible, no need to come early in the morning and we get to go back early! So the remaining 3 week we had to make a curriculum plan for the upcoming academic year. Something new for me, but can be done inshaAllah. It was a lot of meetings and discussions from morning till Zuhur, and then after that productivity slowly decreases, which leads to ZZZ. Haha coming from me, that is so not surprising. Who knew just sitting there for hours discussing on this and that would require lots of thinking and brainstorming, in the end your thinking capacity reaches negative zero lol. But alhamdulillah, we had to set the goals and target on things that should be done before the long holiday, most of it was done yesterday. So I still have today and tomorrow before setting off for Eid.

This was after the Term Theme Night, the highlight of my department in SSI. It was a successful night, hamdan lillah.

Staff room clan.

Before coming into this school, I promised myself to keep the circle of friends small, mainly because of past experiences I had with people. I was quite scared of the history repeating itself once again. But these faces had made it quite difficult. Each and everyone of them is so special and I feel that this is one of the blessings Allah is giving me working in SSI. I couldn't be more grateful in meeting them. They make my time in school to be very worthwhile. With all the stress and workload, these faces make the staff room to be very merry and lively, each of them with their own wits and cheeks. You know its a blessing when Allah sends good people to you and giving the chance for you to be a better person. Within these 3 months, I think I've improved a lot, maybe on a personal level I would say so. I think after months of battling things internally, I finally had the chance to talk and share my feelings with someone. Someone who happens to be inflicted with the same situation I was in. It really helps, inshaAllah. Because they say, the signs of people growing up is they tend to lose friends. Responsibilities and commitments changed, so they can no longer attend to your needs. But I know this is definitely the part of growing up. The only way to handle this is to move on.  Alhamdulillah, I'm slowly building the courage to trust people again and giving another shot. Hopefully this stays.

Spending the last days of Ramadhan in speeding things up. Currently at Juzu' 23, please pray that I'll be in time to khatam before Eid arrives lol. Still a few more days for tarawih and qiyam, inshaAllah hopefully I'll be able to maximize everything. If not, tak mampu buat semua, jangan tinggalkan semua right?

Right at the time.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016


I had my worse days. When things just couldn't get any better, it gets worse. And knowing that you can't do anything else besides telling yourself to be strong, alone.

It's always like that.

I hope this period gets over soon. I'm really tired of dealing with the emotional side of me. Its always unstable, it's always demanding to be felt. I can't disband it even though I distracted myself with a lot of things. I know I can totally blame the hormones but it becomes even more damaging when it happens on your birthday. You know how pathetic that feels?

I don't even know what I want. I have no clue on what to do with my future. There are a lot of external factors intruding the decisions I'm about to make. I'm scared that for whatever opportunities I chose to make, it's going to affect all who matter to me.

Dear Allah, guide me... :'(

Monday, June 13, 2016

Its your day and yada yada

Well, what do you know. I'm finally 23. But you know what, I think as I grew older, I come to realize that birthdays are no longer overwhelming. That feeling is like, meh. Yeah I'm 23 but other aspects of life are much more important. I still haven't got a proper planning for the future. I still live with my parents, which I am very much thankful of. Don't know what I could do without them really. I still don't eat vegetables, besides salad and KFC's coleslaw. I don't own my own house or a car. So its nothing to look forward to people.

I sound soooo pessimist don't I. Hahahaha. Oh well I don't know. One thing I'm sure is, I still feel pathetic of myself. Last night before shutting my eyes for good, I kinda like shed a tear or so. Because I feel extremely sad that I'm not making any progress with my emotional side. Its mostly in denial and I'm tired of feeling the same thing, and telling myself to get over it, being all strong and then suddenly I hit rock bottom once again. Penat tau hehe

But oh well. Sack that. Forget about it. Forget about expectations. Live your life and just carry on.

Another note, please pray for my iman. For staying firm and steadfast. Please pray that Allah will remove all of sadness and agony, and that He replaces it with something much more beautiful.


Tuesday, May 17, 2016


When you know, you just had enough. Your limits can no longer exceed. You just couldn't give a shit anymore. Your efforts were not multiplied to the action. You chase after them who just couldn't give a damn about your existence. You became the forgotten one. You became a memory. You were in someone's chapter in their book and that is just it. And then the author decided to ink you out from the pages. Your name is no longer penned on the dried pages. You became a memory of someone's choice of words and syllables. You are no longer in their thoughts. You are like sand particles, in infinities of millions. Not knowing when to find one another. You are lost, you are alone.

'In the end, it was never him, nor her. It was never them.'

'....It was just me. All along. All this while..'

Monday, May 02, 2016

An Update.

My post on the Sydney trip is currently pending. I will definitely get back to that sooner. Now, I am currently in the state of life where I just have to go with what is planned out in front of me. I graduated officially last January. Had been unemployed and stayed at home until early April. I figured after the Sydney trip, it would be a boost on thinking about the serious aspects of life, after months of menganggur-ing. I was even mistaken for being a school/spm leaver when I met my mom's friends. I think that is huge compliment for me haha. Until my mom made me realized that I've been at home for too long, people are starting to think that I had just finished SPM lol. Then to a big realization, I had to be in serious mode. I enjoyed staying at home very much. I see it as a way for me to do all the things that I can do, while being in this age, and not committed to other serious aspects of life. For all I know, I need to start working soon. I sent resumes to 3-4 companies, 3 of which are related to what I've studying for the past 3 and a half years, and another one was an international school. And guess who replied back?

The international school. Talk about plot twist.

 Initially I planned on pursuing a master's degree right after I graduated, but I had no savings for that. I researched for scholarships and other sorts of financial support. Most of scholarships require you to be financially stable. One was a working experience for 2 years. Uhm hello, working experience what? I did part time years ago and was really busy studying so working experience column on my resume was not really convincing. Such a bummer. And then the government ones. At first I heard there was no allocation anymore or the requirements had been strict, so the quotas must have been decreased. Whatever it is, you need to be financially stable even if you think you will have high chance in getting that loan/scholarships. Even JPA and MARA revamped their policies a lot, starting this year. So not many will get the chance as others in the previous years. Unless of course, your previous uni offered to do masters as well as being a GRA, then that can make life easier. At least, you're still allowed to earn something while doing your masters.So for now, pursuing masters is currently KIV. Whatever happens, being specialized at a certain field will always be my permanent target.

To be in this industry, I think experience is essential, as well as having a higher level of education. Both of which I'm lacking. To be good or an expert of something, biodiversity conservation for instance, I need to have a deeper knowledge on that, both theory and practical. Also, I tried research based companies, all were not convinced with what I have atm. So I faced rejections several times, thinking that I was not good enough for the industry. So I decided to opt for something else. Hence, emailing the school for any vacancies T_T

Now, the plot twist. The school replied back. And in no time, I am already 2 weeks at that school. Time flies..it really does. Apparently I didn't get the position I desired, but I was directed to something I had experience in, which was non-academic. The interview was at 3 stages. I really wanted to fail the second stage when the interview (first stage) was really mind drilling, but then I kinda nailed it? I really don't know. That week was really intense. I was also on the biological cycle, so my moods were really raging and rebelling. I was ridiculously overthinking, constantly letting those moods take over me. I knew making a stupid and irrational decision would make regret for the rest of my life. But you know what, in the end I paid no attention to those negative thoughts. I realized that I was in the comfort zone for too long, I was scared of changes. That is my biggest fear, CHANGES. Making a transition to something more beneficial is really hard. But at the end of the day, you will very thankful to Allah for placing you in that position. And now that I am already two weeks, couldn't be more grateful. I finally know what kind of situation or occurrences that I will be expecting, and what work will revolve around with. One thing for sure, I can't thank Allah enough for always making it easy for me to improve myself. Seriously, this school is a different environment. At times,  it can be good, can be bad. But we all know its not for a naught. At least, I will benefit from something. I realized that Allah has always providing me channels and mediums to improve myself. Be it in any form. Time, money, and now, I am currently earning a living in a pathway that will not only be useful in the future, but also for Akhirah. InshaAllah.

Busy days coming ahead, and May is fully booked guys. MashaAllah. I just got back from a 3d 2n excursion/senior bootcamp at Kenaboi Adventure Basecamp, Jelebu with the senior students. I enjoyed it so much! I did caving and water tubing for the first time! Alhamdulillah for the opportunities. Also got to know the students more and already had my 'garang' mode on. That quick right? Haha. 
Padahal dulu dapat anugerah senior paling caring dekat Seseri. PUIII @__@

Will blog more on the details of the camp later. May Allah give me time haha. For now, its cuti mode until Wednesday (the students are on their midterm break) so I'm gonna use all the time..to sleep. Ceh takdela haha.